Posts Tagged 'News'

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Pole Dancing Clinic: OK!

A young lady wanted to open her own business, promoting health and physical well-being. The only thing is, she wanted to do it through pole-dancing, and the local government decided it was too sexy for their town. A couple appeals later, it was determined that nobody was going to watch it to get off, and everybody was clothed, so pole-dancing ladies get to shake their stuff in hopes of losing a little weight while "SeXXXercising". Like I always say, learning a new skill is never a bad thing!

Porn: Not Educational

When researching your master's thesis on the economic effects of ethanol conversion on food prices, pornographic magazines should be the last place to look. In a survey of 130 Thai porn rags, researchers found the magazines largely produced false and misleading information regarding human sexuality and bodies. In a similar vein, I am preparing my dissertation on how comic books provide an unreasonable description of human mutations and alien lifeforms. Oh, how fantasies offend my rational mind.

Sexy Robbers Stop Bike

Out for a bike ride, a Florida man got a sexy surprise: robbery by a gang of women with nothing but suspender straps to cover their nipples. It sounds like he just barely escaped the horrorshow ultra-violence, because the Warriors had just barely made it home.

Ladies' Night OK!

Ladies' nights are not discriminatory against men, according to a New York judge who tossed out the case of a man who believes men, as a whole, are being discriminated by being provided a place where hot, single women can get drunk for cheap. Such a horrible, horrible place for men to be; too bad, the law has declared the status quo will remain, because (and the court acknowledges this), "male customers actually might benefit from ladies' nights because so many women attend." God bless America and her sexist bars!

Redhead = Orangutan!

Down in Australia, 'ranga' is, apparently, a derrogatory term for redheads (thanks to, what else, comedy TV), so people were obviously offended when a local zoo offered free admission for 'rangas', meaning redheads get in for free. Oh, how the redheads are abused, being compared to a common ape. Don't people realize that redheads are the sexiest form of life ever?! How insulting to God's greatest creature.

Drunken Panty Call

Nobody lets bars have any fun. An Australian bar is offering free drinks for a flash, and a free tab if you leave your panties at the bar. What's so wrong with that? I mean, other than encouraging public drunkenness...because people who want to get really, really drunk need encouragement. Something I'd like to know more about is at the end of the story: The same hotel drew criticism in June when it employed a shirtless dwarf to pour shots of liquor down the throats of patrons. Now that's a crowd-pleaser!

Wife In The Kitchen = MO MONEY

Men with traditional values have deeper pockets, according to a new study released yesterday. In fact, unless you have deep pockets, there's no chance in hell of being married to a housewife in today's economy. On average, they make $8500 more than those of us who feel wives have skills and advantages in the workforce. On the other hand: the guy might make $8500 more than the guy who "lets" his wife work, but my bet is that a working wife brings in a bit more than that for her efforts.

Whoops: Forgot Work Clothes

It's an easy mistake -- you show up for work, but forgot to get dressed first. It's a nightmare most of us have had since our gradeschool days, but for one young lady in Illinois, clothes-free was how she spent the first part of her evening as a bartender. As for the second half of the evening, she spent it in jail for indecent exposure. Sadly, there are no photos of the event, so I can't say if she was genuinely indecent -- there are more than a couple bartenders I know who I think would be perfectly decent to see naked. Oh, wait, these guys have her booking pho--DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! Oh, well, no wonder the cops wanted her to get dressed. She's younger than me, and looks my mom's age. Maybe this'll encourage the bar to hire someone a bit more lovely for the nude-bartender-in-a-non-nude-bar job.

The Cleaver's Beds = Good?!

Studies have shown that couples who sleep in separate beds have better sleep than those who sleep together. This, to those of us who are children of the hedonistic 70s and 80s, seems to be completely, so to speak, "wack". The numbers, however, prove it: a noisy, lumpy neighbor who keeps rolling around and steals the covers is actually a detriment to quality sleep. Well, when you put it that way, it makes sense.


Here's something EVERYBODY needs to worry about: When you have a blood clot in your thigh and a hole in your heart that could make the clot pass randomly into an artery that leads to the brain, DON'T have sex before experiencing a stroke caused by that random connection of clot-hearthole-brain-event. If you do, the only thing anybody will know is that you just had sex, not that you lived every day with a serious medical condition that could have killed you at any time. Just thought you should know.

Pole Dancing = Sport!

Competitors in Amsterdam have proven that pole-dancing is as athletic as any other gymnastics, only the 'parallel bars' are actually a single bar mounted vertically. Oh, and unlike the Olympics, you don't have to be ashamed of that erection you get while watching.

Nude Disco = Nepal Fail

Nude disco dancing may have been the rage in Studio 54, but the Hindus and the Maoists both frown on the practice in Nepal. Many 'nude discos' have been closed and many have been arrested for dropping their clothes and doing the hustle in the high altitudes of Nepal, potentially making 80,000 unemployed, but saving so, so many nipples from frostbite.

Pope Granted Super Powers

In a move shocking to world superpowers, the Pope's "handlers" allowed him to slip from their grip and ingest a small amount of water from the fountain of Lourdes, a spring from which holy water pours directly from the ground. The holy water added a significant amount of Jesus energy to the aging pope, causing what so many tried to prevent: the ability for the Pope to travel through time. In other news, new evidence has just appeared, as if from a dream, that proves Martin Luther, King Henry VIII, and Joseph Stalin were never born. More details later.

Defacing Graves = Turned In

When defacing gravestones, make sure you don't sign your name. Sure, 'tagging' will probably slip under the radar if it's on a railroad car or brick wall, but defacing peoples' final resting places will get you turned in just for being a huge ass. "Roach" here wasn't bright enough to figure out that level of respect on his own.

Porn Is Not Adultery

...or so says I, but this article at The Atlantic takes a more judicious look at whether pornography is a form of adultery, including whether porn has an affect on sexual violence or other crimes. Overall, the article's tone sympathizes with what I know: porn is an outlet, doesn't cause any harm on its own, and the man's ability to have a relationship is greater weight on how his pornography affects his life.

Bears Beat Bikes

Bears are having a tough time -- they seem to be in bicyclists' way all the time. Back in June, a guy heading downhill on a bike hit a bear at about 45mph, and just today another bear got hit by a bicyclist on his way to school. I could blame high gas prices, resulting in more quiet bicycles and fewer noisy cars to scare off bears, or I could blame global warming for causing bears to move closer to human habitats, or I could just blame bicyclists for not looking where they're fucking going. There are bears around, people!

Uranium In Kyrgyzstan

Two men bought a quarter-ton of depleted uranium in Kyrgyzstan and took it home, not knowing what it was. The fact that it gave off light didn't tip them off that it could be anything radioactive, but they wanted to sell it, so off to the analyst the material goes. Whoops -- smuggling radioactive material is illegal, so the police were understandably concerned. Being ignorant of its health danger, the guys get to go free, because you can't be a smuggler if you don't know what you're smuggling. Moral of the story: You can buy depleted uranium in Kyrgyzstan; my guess is it'll only cost you a couple vowels.

Pam Anderson: Penis Karma

Pamela Anderson claims to have "good penis karma", meaning no penis she's ever been with has ever seemed small by comparison. I wonder how the Hindi determine the earning of 'penis karma'? In a previous life, did she fuck a zillion small-penised men, and this is her reward? Was she a huge-penised man who put his tool to work on unfortunate women, and this is her punishment? I think she needs to reflect on this karmic experience, and decide: just what did I do to deserve big penises?".

The Hen Is On The Move

Kentucky Fried Chicken has made a serious security mistake: they have moved their secret recipe from its long-occupied secure location temporarily. It was once housed in a combination-locked file cabinet, but advanced security protection is required in this high-tech day and age. The recipe has been moved to an undisclosed location, and will not return until security has been increased. Odds are 20:1 the Russian Mafia will possess it within hours, leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. Banquet Frozen Chicken: they're waiting for your briefcase of cash to arrive.

Sex: All In Your Head

Studies of ovary-less women find they still like sex, regardless of missing their gonads. The reason? They kinda like sex anyways, regardless of the influence of hormones. Again, like most of the sex news out there, a big 'duh' from most people will echo through the halls, but there's enough people out there who still need to be reminded that the best part of sex is all in your head.

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