Posts Tagged 'News'

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Bikers and Puppies

I know a lot of gals read my blog, so this is mostly 'eye candy' for them, but that fact should be a model for guys: the biggest, ass-kickingest guys are more attractive when they show how they love their dogs. Rescue Ink is a band of tattooed bikers who work with the ASPCA, checking in on at-risk dogs in areas that, well, are safer for a huge tattooed guy than a 100-lb vet-med undergrad gal. When one of these guys stops at your door and says your dog needs a bigger bowl of water, you're gonna listen.

Taserin' the Emu

When you can't shoot the emu, a Taser works just as well. I'm allowed to imagine that the smell of fried chicken hovered in the air after the incident, right? Mmmmmm.....electroshocked emu with a side of garlic mashed potatoes.

Barbie Gets Fishy

Dude takes his granddaughter fishing. Granddaughter passes her Barbie fishing rod to him so she can use the potty. Dude catches 21+lb catfish with a Barbie fishing rod. The fish was longer than the fishing rod itself. My guess is that the fish were put off by the anatomically accurate nipples on grandpa's Pamela Anderson fishing rod.

Set Rules BeFOURhand

A friendly foursome group sex party turned into violence when the guys decided they weren't agreeing on whatever was going on. The two couples appear to have tried to end things there, but at some point one guy got gashed in the face. See, folks, this is why group sex needs rules -- it'll always end up with a face-gash if you don't.

Spiders + Fire = AWESOME

A teenager was trying to get rid of spiders with fire and managed to burn a lot more than just the arachnids. I mean, out in Reno, so close to nuclear testing sites, those spiders had to be 8 Legged Freaks-sized spiders, right? Why nobody has their celphone camera out when these things attack, I just don't understand.

Stiff and Upright

His last wishes were to have his Yankees cap and stand around with everybody else, and with the help of an embalmer he got what he wanted. So, for three days the lad mannequined his way through his wake, while everyone did their best not to knock him over...they'd seen what happens to a mannequin when tossed to the floor, and nobody wanted to deal with whatever was going to happen to the guy's head if his corpse toppled over.

Famous Boobs Faxed

I don't know what an 'Emmerdale' is, but one of its busty stars was screwing around with a multifunction copier to photocopy her breasts. Whoops -- she had it on 'fax' instead of copy. Just the idea of unexpected breasts printing out at dozens of fax machines throughout ITV's offices makes me hard.

My Penis Is A Barometer

MSN Health rambles a bit about male sex mysteries, and acts like they know alot, but it's a lot of fluff. First of all, we sleep after sex because it's a lot of fucking work. I take a nap after mowing the lawn or changing my brake pads, and nobody writes a book about those gender mysteries. The most excellent part: my penis is a barometer. Pay attention, baby, you'll know when the storm is a'comin'.

Kali Impalement

A woman, while 'staggering around' in her home, managed to impale herself on a statue of Kali, Hindu goddess of death, destruction, and creation. As if statues of Kali weren't terrifying enough, having one run through your arm and not being able to remove it yourself would probably be a bit of a mindfuck. The lady was attached to Kali for over a half hour, although I'm sure she would have been rescued sooner if Indiana Jones were nearby.

Bad Eyesight = RICH

Bobby Guffey is one of those rigidly logical lottery players who bet on the same numbers in every drawing. That is, until he forgot his bifocals and accidentally filled in 48 instead of 46. Upon realizing his error, he went back and bought another ticket using the "right" numbers. The 'error' numbers won him $3 million, and his 'right' numbers got him a cool grand in addition. Lucky blind bastard.

Bigfoot Is Really Opossum

The dead Bigfoot found in the Georgia mountains has turned out to be largely an opossum, according to DNA tests. I can sympathize, because I've often mistaken opossums for hulking bipedal simians, but isn't that part of how opossums protect themselves from predators? I seem to remember they're good at pretending. Oh, well. Better luck next time, bigfoot investigators!

Milwaukee: Sexy!

Marie Claire magazine has announced that Milwaukee is the sexiest city in America. While beer brats, NASCAR, rabid football fandom, and cows rarely ellicit a sexual positive, this article may have something to do with it: beer googles do work. Thanks to Milwaukee's vast history of brewing beer, Marie Claire researched the city, had a bit too much Leiney's Honeyweiss, and lo and behold they were ready to sleep with Milwaukee before they even got it's name. Sure, Elle and Cosmo tried to talk Marie out of it, but she couldn't help herself (I believe Elle went home with Flint, MI and Cosmo was intri! gued by St Paul's urban artistic nature).

Porn: Not A Sellout

For all the accusation that porn is becoming mainstream, someone who loves number-porn has done the math, and sees porn either relatively stable, or declining in recent years. The only numbers that could remotely apply to internet porn are the 'men/women who have looked at porn' numbers, which are relatively consistent, with an unsurprising dip during the seventies, when people were fucking constantly, and had no time for porn. The print porn, including non- or semi-nude lad's mags, have been dropping off, but is consistent with overall magazine subscriptions and change to internet use. All I can say is, thank god that it's not mainstream; mainstream makes everything suck, with its homogenization! for the largest audience. Fetish porn would die away, unable to compete, and then what will Gary the 'Gay Furry in Pantyhose Fetishist' do? On the other hand, I think the accusation of porn going mainstream is that it's more okay to watch porn than before. People have always looked at porn, but formerly under the stigma of 'porn is bad for you'. Today, it's not just tolerated: porn is even good for you.

Canada: Local Porn HOT

A new porn channel is coming to Canada. Its selling point: half the programming will contain Canadian fucking. When US production companies want to save a few bucks, they move filming to Vancouver, but getting Canadian porn off the ground has been more difficult than LA or Miami porn, despite more a liberal environment and increasing ease of distribution. I could make jokes about flannel and 'aboot' in porn, but that'd just turn you on. Easily identifiable by lack of suntans, excessive friendliness, and the robust health only afforded by a national healthcare system, I can honestly believe that Canadian porn will take the world by storm.

Dog + Golf = Choking Hazard

Dogs love to chase things, dogs love to grab things in their mouths, but when it's small enough to be swallowed, dogs get surgery, like this puppy who saw a fast-moving white dot, chased it, and managed to swallow the golf ball whole. A little surgery later, and the dog is fine, but golfers everywhere are being more careful about putting near the puppies.

Sex & Sports: OK!

Having sex the night before the big game has been seen as a weakening force, so sports teams often keep their players away from the opposite sex before a game. So, why do the China Olympics need 100,000 condoms? Because Pliny knows his shit, that's why. Sure, it's a distraction, and if you spend all night trying to get a gal in bed you're going to mess up your game, but those are because of the pre-game events, not the score itself. So, by all means, scarily-muscular sexy Olympians, get laid, but hop into bed quickly. Wasting time could cost you the medal.

Coins Don't Burn

When most people want a Chevy Silverado, they go sign a bunch of papers which guarantee they'll pay ,000 for their ,000 pickup, but not this guy -- using Depression-era logic, he amassed ,000 in small change to put towards the truck, using the logic that banks close down, paper cash burns, but a coin is awfully hard to damage (they did use a check for the rest of the purchase price). Do the math: if he had that ,000 in a savings account -- or even a CD -- he'd have to have saved it for decades before it'd make up for the interest he'd have had to pay on a car loan. Old people, they're smarter than you think, Mr. Used-Your-Credit-Card-Three-Times-Today-Already! Not only that, this guy ran ! himself over with his old pickup last year. If there were ever a real man, this is the guy, right here. (via)

Girlfriend In Porn = BURN!

Dropping in for a trim, an Italian man saw a bit more 'trim' than he expected -- a pornographic photo of his girlfriend hanging on the wall. He demanded the proprietor remove the photo. The proprietor declined, and eventually everything was set on fire. The girlfriend, however, is still a porn star, which is what the boyfriend wanted in the first place...he just didn't want anyone to know about it.

In other amusement, Metro apparently thinks we're all naive:

Since sex sells, this could be used to great advantage for most newspaper websites. Any remotely sexual article requires an "artist's re-creation" -- it'll help us understand the quarterback's sex romp with three prostitutes much, much better.

Bigfoot: REAL!

Bigfoot is real, but he's dead -- two men in Georgia claim to have found a dead sasquatch, and will be announcing their DNA findings on Friday, which will probably be unverifiable, and probably redacted as a hoax...but that's what bigfeet want you to think. They're masters of psyops.

Window Watching

Frosted windows don't work as well as you think. Two amorous employees in the UK took their morning break as an opportunity to get it full view of everyone outside, trusting the semi-obscured windows to be more opaque than they really were. Stamina be damned, the couple took about twenty minutes to go through all the positions they could think of, before a police officer went in to let them know about the audience on the street below. The pair have been suspended from their jobs, pending an investigation of their tomfoolery. A detailed investigation, including videos and photos from many, many angles, we hope.

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