Posts Tagged 'News'

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Marriage and Restraining Orders

Police are called to a wedding brawl (is there anything better?) and start checking people's records. The groom, it seems, had a restraining order against him, which should have prevented him from attending his own wedding. The person who had the restraining order against him? His bride. When you remarry your ex-wife, make sure you've cleared up all the old paperwork, otherwise you'll be in for a wedding day surprise!

Swedish Prime Minister Budwiser Olson

Sweden had once held veto power over stupid children's names, but times, they are a changin': "there is nothing negative about a name like Coca-Cola or McDonald's today. In the 1970s, maybe it was." Um, sorry, Mr. Swedish Tax Commissioner, naming your kid Metallica Bjornsen might sound great today, but...well, no, Metallica Bjornsen doesn't sound good today, I can't even give that benefit of the doubt. At least let your kid grow up with a human name -- don't make your kid a 30-year-old bank teller whose nametag reads, "Metallica".

Knock Knock - Porn Inspector!

A man walks into an adult entertainment establishment, flashes a badge, and says he needs to 'inspect' the porn for underage performers. It's the newest career-path for perverts: Porn Inspector! You earn your wages by trying to persuade a college student with multiple piercings and tattoos that your normal beat as a cop is to wander into pornshoppes and ask for free samples. Wait, did I say wages? I mean jail time. But, hey, it's got 'porn' in the job title,so by definition it must be glamorous and fun. (via)

Naked Girls Running Free

Seems naked girls are wandering off from their packs -- a man in Michigan had a drunk girl show up at his cabin late in the night, wearing nothing at all. It's a good thing a "wolf" didn't find her; we all know what wolves do when a weak, defenseless member of a pack wanders too far away. Luckily, she met an honorable man, willing to help, despite her garage-floor vomiting, and the police took care of her once they tracked her down. She probably doesn't realize just how close her funny news story came to being a tragic story.

Gas Money: Kicked In The Balls

Son and girlfriend ask mom for gas money. Mom gives it to the girlfriend. Responsible people understand: it's gas money, it will get spent on its intended purchase, regardless of who has it. Stupid fucks will miss that important point, and end up with a knee to the balls, and the other locked in the bathroom calling 911. (via)

National Sex Day: 21 August

According to some lame Face-Book thing, August 21st is National Sex Day -- that's after the March 21st National Sex Day failed because of its coincidental sharing of a date with a minor Christian holiday. So, apparently you are supposed to have sex that day, Canada, because you had no other incentive to get laid than a Facebook calendar's recommendation. Enjoy!

Isaac Hayes, 65

Funky R&B king Isaac Hayes has passed away at age 65. Where most 70s soul funk sounds dated and kitschy today, Hayes' stuff stays real all these years later. Found unconscious near a treadmill, he was rushed to the hospital and declared dead shortly after.

On Porn: Men Are Liars

The Independent commentator Tim Lott calls out the guys who lied in an online porn survey: the numbers say less than half, but he's sure it's 100% In answer to his question: Yes, Mr. Lott, you're a monster -- but who says being a monster is bad? Women like a monster once in a while; the hero finishes last when it comes to bedroom events.

Grand Canyon: Kills Canadians

One of the greatest American icons, the Grand Canyon, is taking out its international rage on Canadians. A man from Ontario strayed too close to an edge and fell in, representing the first death of the year, and bringing the percentage of non-American victims of this vicious national treasure to 100%.

UK: Phone Sex, Bondage OK!

A recent survey in the UK says that nearly half of their respondents participate in phone sex, and a larger percentage than ever before are into bondage and spanking, and about a third "pleasure themselves while talking on the computer." Those naughty, naughty Brits! It's the sexy accent, I'm sure. Nobody, not even the British, can resist a British accent on the other end of the phone.

Sex With Benches: Bad

A 41-year-old man in Hong Kong, apparently unable to find any other living creature willing to have sex with him, decided to go the next best thing. He found a park bench, whose seat was riddled with holes, and decided to have sex with it. Swelling occured and, horror of horrors, he got stuck. Rescue teams were dispatched, and the man -- and his sex partner -- were transported to the hospital, where doctors were able to separate the two lovers. A little bit longer, they say, and they would have had to amputate. Sadly, there's no mention of the exact location of the bench, so maybe, just maybe, you're sitting on it right now.....

Pee Bottles On Rise

Truck drivers have, for a long time, peed in a bottle and dropped it alongside the road (much to the chagrin of "Adopt-A-Highway" people and state-employee lawn-mowers). The practice, however, is increasing at an alarming rate. To blame? Driving slower for fuel conservation means longer time between rest stops. They've got to make their delivery on-time, but can't do it as quickly, so stopping to pee isn't going to fly for these schedule-minded drivers. Come on, guys: is it really that had to stop and pee for ten minutes? It's not like your aggressive driving and taste for truck-stop hookers haven't! already given you a bad name...but tossing containers of pee alongside our beautiful roadways? For shame.

Mini Wins Cannonball Run

A Smart mini has won the European Cannonball Run, with an average speed of 100km/h. Their trick? Since their fuel-efficient engine didn't need the drivers to put gas on as often, they'd overtake and pass the faster cars. The faster cars had to run at higher speeds in order to keep up a fast average...which used more fuel and meant more stopping. The Smart car's next stop: the 2009 Gumball Rally. Is there anything environmentalists can't win at?

Hunziker's Best Breasts

Michelle Hunziker, European actress and model, has the best breasts in the universe, according to Bild.De -- and those Germans know a thing or two about hot women.

Mexico Invades U.S. - AGAIN

In yet another incident (the fortieth this year), armed Mexican agents have crossed the US Border and taken a U.S. Border Patrol officer hostage...just for a few minutes, until they realized their error. While it's largely a non-event, the Metro's image and caption depicting the event are priceless.

Noisy Sex: Get Fined

Enjoying yourself a little too much during sex could get you into trouble with the law: residents in an apartment building have reported noise problems for years, and the police have finally done something about it. Her neighbors claim her banging on the walls and screaming are making them lose so much sleep that they've had to take time off work. Vertict: best sex ever, and well worth the money.

Big Breasts: GREAT!

The Times Online takes on the most important topic ever to hit the newswires: Are big breasts always beautiful? The answer: when you take care of them properly and present them aesthetically.

Naked Newswriting

This is what I want to be when I grow up: the guy who writes the news for Naked News. Come on, what could be greater than putting words in the mouth of hot newsy babes? Well, yeah, that. Oh, and that too. Well, despite all the cooler jobs, the Naked News guy is pretty damn cool.

Mrs. McCain Topless

Presidential hopeful John McCain was feeling playful in Sturgis, South Dakota, and suggested his wife participate in the Miss Buffalo Chip contest...a topless beauty contest (aren't most of the female-oriented Sturgis events topless?). Always willing to help out her husband's campaign at the drop of a hat, Mrs McCain leaped onto a table, poured a pitcher of beer down her gossamer white top, gyrated her ass in the face of a nearly-passed-out 290lb biker-slash-marketing-director from Detroit, before Secret Service informed her of Mr. McCain's gaffe.

Stripper Fight!

Two strippers 'got into it' in the dressing room at a gentleman's club. Nobody was arrested, there were no witnesses, and it ended itself; the apparent newsworthiness of the article is the word "stripper".

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