Posts Tagged 'Sex Sells'

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Porn Saves Comcast!

After their previous porn experience, you'd think Comcast would be put off of naughtiness. Unfortunately, advertising revenues are down, so they've got to find somebody to spend money in 30-second chunks. Those people? Pornographers are picking up advertising time, and the cable companies are happy to take all ten inches, right up to the hilt - not only because of the ad revenue, but because the cable companies get a chunk of the pay-per-view revenues, so it all adds up to a bit of mutual masturbation making television worthwhile, as it has been for decades.

Sexy Maid Service!

No, you don't get to touch them. No, you don't get to make them clean the toilet. But for $125 Canadian (or $500 US), a naughty maid will come dust and clean your house. I think this is asking for a lot of cute maids to end up sexually assaulted, so I hope they have some safeguards in place - because this is the awesomest cleaning service ever.


Holy fuck, I've found my calling in life: fortune telling via the ancient art of 'sternomancy', which means examining the chest for aspects that might foretell the future. It seems I may need to travel to 18th-century Spain to learn the craft, but I can't find any fault in examining the chests of fine Spanish ladies in learning a new trade.

Social Media = Sex!

This may explain why social media is starting to beat sex as a search term - NetworkWorld has several reasons the two are alike, from the naughty ("Some people keep tally of their successes, no matter how superficial.") to the sappy ("Ultimately, success or failure depends upon how well you are communicating. "). I'd like to add that it's better when you include lots of leather and spankings. Wait, what?

Stripper = Oscar!

I had no idea: the Oscar usually goes to the stripper, or the prostitute, or the sexually-flawed female character. According to the article, it gives women a chance to really act, to fill a complex and nuanced role, which might tell you something about most of the women's roles. The stripper/hooker roles, though, are often positive, sympathetic roles, which is something the Oscars might have, but the real world seems to ignore.

Breasts: Mysteries!

The Examiner has a helpful article for those of us breast afficianadoes that don't actually have breasts of our own. First, a fun statistic: three out of 100 nipples are innies: I don't like that number, because it means that there's one poor gal out there with one innie and one outie. Secondly, they draw attention to the fact that superfluous nipples are quite common - and I know, because I've got two, evenly spaced and just above my belt-line, much to the consternation of Gracie who was not expecting such a mutation in her lover. Nipples are awesome!

Kinky Sex: On Rise?

Kinky sex is on the rise! Er, despite being a running joke for as long as I can remember, and depictions of such things going back thousands of years. By "on the rise", I'm sure they mean acceptance or detection is on the rise...even though, in many U.S. states, you can still be arrested for partaking in a lot of sexual fetishes, some with good reason, but others because of evangelical puritanism. The article doesn't say much, but it sure does have some very racy teaser-quotes that hint at the depravity. Sadly, it doesn't actually talk about what any of it means to our society that these fetishes are more socially acceptable - or more socially visible - than they have bee! n in previous years. Ah, American News, is there nothing you love more than fluff articles? (ABC News has had this story in their RSS a couple times in the past day, and always ends up a dead link, but hopefully it'll still work this time.)

A Stormy Senate Race!

What do you do when you need to get some attention? Run a porn star in the senatorial election! What do you do if the candidate you picked doesn't know about it, hasn't acknowledged you, nor ever indicated any interest in running? Run her anyway and write stuff that puts political words in her mouth without her permission! Oh, well: it's better than Al Franken's team did.

Porn Empire For Sale!

UK porn tycoon Paul Raymond passed away, leaving 26 pornographic titles in the lurch. His estate has decided putting the magazines in the hands of a genuine pornographer rather than a solicitor would be the better option. If you've won the lottery lately, $20 million will get you the whole lot. That's less than $800,000 per title, which should keep you in the lucre and boobies for some time.

Phone Sex!

Oooh, yeah, baby, that's just how phone sex works...except I'm the one in the old maternity shirt most of the time, though:

Boobs are Soft!

I'm aware. From PvP, a funny comic strip that used to be more about video games, but, thankfully, has not so much videogamey crap anymore:

Check Your Lover's Moles!

The next time you're pawing the gal you love, take a closer look at those freckles and moles. The American Academy of Dermatology, one-upping that stupid "Ticks" tune, is promoting, for Valentines Day, "Screen the One You Love", a cooperative check for skin cancer on your lover. Now, I know that checking a person for cancerous growths is the sexiest thing ever, but I'm retarded that way...still, it's a good idea; I'm always checking Gracie very closely - sometimes with my tongue - for breast lumps, and she's not complaining.

PETA Porn!

In the interest of...something...PETA planned on airing a Superbowl Ad which features women licking, fondling, and groping vegetables; it proved too sexy for TV censors, so the ad will only get massive underground meme status and be seen by more people than a stupid Superbowl Ad would, and for free. The theme of the ad is "Vegetarians have better sex". They use the ubiquitous 'studies show' defense, to which I counteract that "studies show PETA people are dicks", and can easily produce a study of it if you give me time. Anyhow, I can only infer from the ad that vegetarians have better sex because they're freakin' crazy-ass hippies, for one; like most 'better' comme! rcials, they don't say better than what. I'll assume they mean that vegetarians have better sex than poor people in Africa who have no vegetables to eat at all, fostering malnutrition and disease. Way to go, PETA: be a dick to poor Africans. See, I told you my study would verify my claims.

Sexual Perversity in America

New book I may have to track down: The Other Side of Desire, focusing on fetishists and why we call some things perversions and others are perfectly fine. Interview here at Salon - the book smacks of pulp exploitation, but it does sound like it addresses the psychological features of these people, with some positives thrown in.


Let's pretend we're in the ad-men's meeting on this client: "Oh, it's the biggest BDSM magazine in the Netherlands, throw out some free association, everyone:" "porn stars!", "Bruises!" "Spanking!" - Hold on, everyone - he's GOT it! Spankvertising was the winning method of getting out the word on Massad. Spankvertising consists of a stencil-cut leather paddle, which leaves it's 'mark' on the ass of whomever gets spanked. Bonus points: porn star Sofia Valentine was elected to wield Massad's magazine message:

Adult Economy: Up!

Screw Flynt and his bailout request - adult entertainment is having excellent economic returns despite the recession. Well, parts of it...stripclubs and dating sites moreso than printed or film pornography, which may mean people would rather spend money on a real member of the opposite sex in front of them, rather than a jack-off fantasy in their livingroom.

Erotic Lunchboxes!

Now that's a way to keep guys from stealing things out of my lunchbox in the company fridge. "I thought it was mine, sorry," won't fly when mine's the only one with lingerie-clad BDSM models on it. Sadly, they don't say what's on the thermos - because, if you ask any collector, a lunchbox without the thermos isn't worth a damn. The lunchboxes are intended as a strike against the UK's Victorian laws against BDSM imagery, so Ben does have a point...if it doesn't get across with lunchboxes, he intends to up the ante with BDSMed dinnerware and outerwear. Get your own, here.

Lingerie Bowl: Troubles!

It's a sad day when you can't put together a football championship consisting of nearly-nude lingerie models without being blocked at every turn. First, they tried to get their 'stadium' set up in a vacant Tampa lot, but neighbors objected. Then, they found arrangements with a nudist resort to hold the bowl there, but players quit, because they "were having a hard enough time dealing with and defending against the negative stigmas and stereotypes associated with the sport and playing attire before it was announced that we would be playing at a nudist resort." Yes, the nudist resort was the problem in which players were finding difficulties in being taken seriously in their football-playing lingerie models. The league says the ladies were released from their contracts for having a bad attitude.

13 Cosmo Hates!

Relationship Underarm Stick takes Cosmo apart and shreds's kinda like shooting low-hanging fruit in a barrel, but, well, it sooo needs to be done once in a while. I think I may need to read the "guy phrases translated" - I'm not sure I understand what I mean when I say crap to girls sometimes.

Axe: Works!

Whargarrbl!!??! Axe body spray really works - but not because of any stink it can put on you. Proving that advertising burrows deep into the brain like a botfly on your ass, sexy commercials showing guys getting the gal because of the spray makes men believe that it might just be true. Men who stink of Axe thus feel more confident that women will throw herself at him, and thus hold themselves more upright, have a friendlier, more positive look on them, and they seem more self-assured in their masculinity - making Axe about as effective as three whiskey-sours at making men attractive. Which, really, is more effective than anybody ever thought Axe could possibly be.

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