Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Unhot Guys And Hot Gals

New studies show that funny looking guys still think they have a chance with hot gals. The article points out the #1 factor for the difference: guys are more interested in hot looks than women. Women, on the other hand, want a guy who'll be fun to hang out when the fucking is over, which opens up the field to all sorts of not-so-attractive guys. Also, famous funny-looking guys have their successes held up as examples of how anybody can find a hot babe: look at Steve Buscemi. That guy fucks supermodels all day long.

Sex Kits in Posh Hotels

Atlantic City's Borgata Hotel caters to a guest's every need -- including a "sex kit" containing condoms and other intimate aids, and have become their most-purchased 'room service' item. One might expect this at a Sybaris, but at regular hotels, they do understad their clientele...any place that has a bed should have condoms nearby. Serta Outlet Store on Hwy 83 North, I'm pointing at you.

Microsoft = Kinky!

I haven't liked those new Microsoft-Gates-Seinfeld ads, although Gracie like 'em. Turns out, there's an explanation why: the commercials are a thinly-veiled promotion of kinky sex. Foot fetish, leather fetish, wet-tshirt, churros - churros! - all add up to Bill Gates being a naughty, naughty boy.

Church Sex = Necrophilia

A new book recommends a church confessional as one of the 101 places to have sex before you die. For obvious reasons, churches don't like the suggestion of confessional-fucking on their property. I highly doubt anyone will every actually accomplish thist lofty objective, but according to the Catholic League's Bill Donohoue, "The kind of people who would have sex in the confessional would also have sex in a graveyard. And I don't mean with each other." Ah, the quick association of the slightest perversion with the deepest perversion. "People who have oral sex are gonna fuck their dogs eventually!" "Lock up your ten-year-old girls, that guy likes to be spanked!" "Gays, gays everywhere -- prepare to be fucked in the nose!" The only way the fair Catholic League president could prove his statement would be to poll the people who have had sex in a church and question their necrophiliac predilections. I volunteer him to do the questioning. He may not realize that, to a lot of people, his "church" is just a big public building, and people just like to fuck each other anywhere they have a enclosed, quiet place, whether it's a confessional, store changing room, or public bathroom. Or, wherever there's a sexy latex-nun:

Oh no -- I think she's hot, now the Catholic League knows I'm a horse-fucker!

Drunks = Sluts!

A new study shows what, again, we've all known: women who get wasted are far more likely to put out, accept suitors at the "back door", have more than one sex partner, and, um, have STDs. That last one may be a deal-breaker for some, but, hell, it's the only way some of us can get laid! Also, one should note that the data was collected at STD clinics, and self-selection probably rears its sexy head again.

Watch How She Walks

Professional 'sexologists' have determined that a woman's ability to orgasm can be detected in how she walks. Hip action means greater fun-times, a stiff back means a more frigid reaction. So, wiggle that ass, ladies - it might reflect a better time in the bedroom.

Elected Official Sex: OK!

Note to self: sleeping around while in office is OK in Maryland...for now. Politicians, not recognizing that they're screwing up their own fun, want to make it illegal...unless you're married to the person, of course, because having your spouse working for you doesn't violate any sort of ethics issues either, right? At least you're married to the person you're fucking, and that's the most important thing of all.

How Not To Get Laid

It looks like it's been around a while, so I don't know how I've missed it. If you ever want to know how people screw up their opportunities to get laid, How Not To Get Laid is the place to read it. (via)

Trading Sex For Stuff

Informal prostitution abounds! Humans understand the currency of sex, and often spend it on cool stuff they want, or use it to reward good deeds. We are a 'gifty' creature, and we like to say 'thank you', so it all adds up to the politeness of being human, I suppose. So here's to you, slutty ladies with good manners: you know just how men want to be thanked!

Be A Good Hook-Up

The Frisky has advice on how to be a good hook-up -- for the woman, of course, because men are always good at being a hook-up (come on, we're excellent at sex!). More than once they refer to the hook-up in a negative light ("regret the shag," "walk of shame"), because, of course, a woman who has a zipperless fuck should be ready to regret it. Ladies, if you're cruising for a hook-up, gauge your degree of regret before you do it, and that's, really, the one and only piece of advice you need. If you go into a hook-up confident, it doesn't matter if you run into the guy in the morning -- you're confident in yourself, it doesn't matter how it ends, bec! ause you know you did the right thing. If you're so uncomfortable with the guy you slept with (leave no evidence, clean up after yourself, make it appear as though you never slept there, avoid him in the morning), guess who failed at having a hook-up? So, Frisky is ready to assume a gal goes out, has sex with someone she doesn't actually like or find attractive, and her objective after sex is to avoid him at all cost. Maybe, again, I don't understand because I'm a guy, and my regrets are the gals I didn't hook up with rather than the ones I did. However, if that's how gals felt about having sex with me, I'm glad they didn't stick around.

Do I LOOK fat?

When the question is: "do I look fat?" nobody wins. This writer seems to think that being the touchy-feely nice guy will defuse her -- and, in the real world, this might be the ideal way things work. However, I can honestly say that any guy who tries any solution here will be responded to with an incredulous negation, because she knows what your game is, guys. Maybe I've just dated too many crazies who really don't want the answer, but were digging around for a reason to get all neurotic on me. I mean, for crying out loud, who actually asks a question like that and expects to be happy with the answer?

Rich Guy Appeal

Turns out, gals aren't all that wrapped up in how much money a guy has. He's gotta have emotional stability, intelligence, and good social skills. What they neglect to mention is that if you don't have those last three, getting rich ain't going to happen either, leaving your ass broke and sexless. Freakin' loser.

Little, Leggy, Busty Women

Studies have, again, shown the obvious: men like little, leggy women with huge tits. Um, duh. Proportion has a lot to do with it, which is probably why tall women aren't completely ruled out. They just need breasts large enough to smother a grown man. A lucky, lucky man.

Porn Star Wife: EXCELLENT talks to several guys who are each married to a "porn star" (with a grain of salt, though; every actor who's ever been in porn is called a "star"), and chit-chats about what it's like to be married to the object of lust for men around the world. The answer: not much different from regular marriages, as long as you don't freak out over her career you get to fuck a porn star. I call that a 'win' in everyone's book.

License, Registration, Phone Number

Sometimes you have to go a little further to get the attention of an attractive woman. Turning on your car's cherries and pretending to give her a ticket might do it. If she wants to know you better, your current unemployment and non-police-officer statuses should make her swoon, and last year's DUI should make her panties wet. If those don't bring the women do your doorstep, the 30 days in jail will give you time for a new plan.

Lots Of Links!

July has been crazy: I tagged along with the Sex~Kitten crew on their first 'city review,' a whirlwind tour of Minneapolis. The issue should be available at Sex~Kitten's website soon; I even wrote some stuff for it. I've also taken on many of the 'pre-press' duties of Sex~Kitten, setting up articles, ads, and formatting -- giving me the opportunity to flex some of my l33t design skills. Hopefully it won't suck.
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Jordan Matter photography has a set of classy nudes on their website -- artistic photos, not your average 'spread the labia' sets that equal pornography. Most are so candid, so public, it makes you wonder if there really are partly-nude women wandering New York, and nobody cares enough to notice the people around them, save one intrepid photographer.
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Sex sells, even when it comes to high-end server components. No nudity -- nor even undergarments -- but whoever this eBay seller is, he's got a handful of traditionally attractive women working in his warehouse's front office. They don't do it with every item, but I've been watching his auctions for several months now, and he's always got a couple pictures of girlies holding hard drive caddies or network adapters.
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Come on, this has to be a satirical website. At Big Sausage Pizza, women give blowjobs...when the penis is inserted through a hole cut in the middle of a pizza. What pot-smoking pizza-delivery guy came up with this fantasy?!? "Dude, this last delivery, the chick was so hot....she shoulda given me a pizza-doughnut blow job!" *ding* lightbulbs appear above a half-dozen drug-addled heads.
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For those confused about the act, this website tells you how to make love today. Not just any day -- TODAY! There's a new one tomorrow, so don't fall behind, slackers!
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If you know someone with a pornography problem, send 'em an e-card to let them know they're fucked up. Not me -- dammit! I don't have a porn's part of my job to look at naked photos of sexy ladies! See, here's an example -- this issue of...

Of course she'll video-chat with you right now -- this soapy lady, clearly taken from a canned set of photos, is ready for your masturbatory chats, no matter what time of day. Still, I wouldn't kick her out of my bath...

One day a while back, Larry Elder interviewed this lady (last article) and her husband about their pornographic careers. She held her ground, and did a good job of showing she's not some drug-addled slut trying to make enough for her next pot purchase. First, she gets me on her side like that on Laryr Elder, then she takes a bath and puts the picture someplace where I could find it. How dare she tempt me so!

She's at the spa in her little sundress -- and it's bathtime! She's a little too 'Playboy' for my liking, but that's mostly in her hair and makeup...I'm not looking too closely at that.

These photos are kinda crappy, but she's very darn soapy. She's also a natural beauty, which is nice after the link above this one.

Sexy Jordan Capri bathes for your entertainment, starting in water-soaked undies but slipping into the bubble bath without too much delay.

Tawnee Stone is smiling brightly, as though she has no idea she's being photographed naked in the bath. "I'm what?!? And you still took pictures?!?" Oh, yes they did, and you appear to have liked it. Her fellow bather, Raven Riley, undulates sexily and soapily in front of reproduction caveman art, drinking her wine in the tub and looking a mix of tired and annoyed. Somewhere between the two of them there's a middle ground of pleasantly relaxed being watched in the tub, without hostility or false amusement, like Shayla Model. While Shayla's smile is a bit repetitive, she at least looks like she's enjoying herself, without overacting happy or appearing bored.

Couples are actually rather rare in soapy pictorals; For The Girls has a set of a man and woman gettin' sloppy in the bubble bath, and looking like they're actually enjoying themselves just a little.

Like huge soapy breasts, but hate the face? SweaterMeat has pictures for you! The body is pleasantly zaftig, a little on the chubby side (but, then, who isn't?) but the lack of face makes these seem a bit absent.

Elyssa takes a hot bubble bath, but from the looks of it the hottest thing there is Elyssa.

Shower sets don't usually get soapy enough for my liking, but Megan does a good job of covering herself in bubbles.

Teen Jasmin has a nice set -- two pages worth of her lounging in a very bubbly bath.

Too Much Sex!

You guys out there complaining about not gettin' enough sex -- careful what you wish for. Over the past five days I've had sex at least once a's exhausting. Am I getting old? It's not like I can't 'get it up' -- it's all the heaving and thrusting and panting and lifting and fondling. It takes a lot of energy; it's no wonder it burns calories, but it makes me wonder if I'm really so out of shape.

Oh, I'm not gonna say 'no' -- do you think I'm crazy?! If I want to build stamina, I gotta immerse myself into things. I'm no quitter!
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This article comments on the fact that menstruation porn seems rare -- but it really delves into kink & fetish in general in order to explain why period porn and plain 'ol scat aren't the same deal. The article was written in 1998, early in this 'internet' thing, so porn-on-the-rag might not be as rare as it was inaccessible at that time -- a GIS for "menstruation porn" produces a couple sites...but not nearly as many as a lot of other fetishes.

For those of you coming through from EroticStories, keep your eyes on Tit-Elation.Com. I'm editing there, and doing some's scheduled to launch by the end of the month.

Sexiest Couple!

Adam & Eve Productions, with the help of the people behind Star Search, are looking for the Sexiest Couple In America.

Why are they looking for this sexy couple? So the sexy people can have sex on camera! Duh. From what I've read, if you're a couple and you want to get into porn, it ain't that hard. I suppose the $250,000 contract is the thing competitors are after.

BBC Sex Ed!

Thank you, BBC! Thanks to the magic of Flash animation, they've concocted a pair of sex-ed animations to help the youth of Brittania. While the young lad compares in the locker room, the girl gets the slick-ass X-Ray specs -- but it's all in the interest of answering the question, "AM I A FREAK?". Now, that's helpful sex-ed! There's a girls and boys section to watch, in hopes of learning even more about how freakishly unfreakish sex is.

In Love!

Yeah, I'm still in the 'newly in love' phase and googly with romantic intentions, so when I read this recent Rabbit Blog, I had to stand up with Mlle Havrilesky and echo:

Listen up, you grain-fed honky dickweeds - not just you, WW, but every fucking honky out there needs to hear this. We're not alive for very long. Have you noticed this, dickcheeses? We do not have all the fucking time in the world to draw up cost-benefit analyses on potential long-term pairings. If you're not swept the fuck away by your lady, move the fuck on. If you're not gritting your teeth and biting the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by, get over it. If you're not having the best sex of your life - and this is when you do that, dummies, in your mid-fucking-thirties, this is your big fucking shot at great sex, or at least this is where it starts - if you're not blown away, freaking out, breaking out, thrilled, shivery, talking a lot, sending stupid fucking emails to each other, rolling around, sighing, bragging, buying dumb little gifts - then how do you think you'll feel in a few years when you're fucking old and creaky and you have three little doo-doo factories in residence? You fucking dumbass honky-ass losers.

I'm a little unsure how to react, tho: I've been on both sides of the fence. When you watch others being giggly and lovey and crap, you wince at the stupidity of it all. You've done that, you remember how it felt and looked, and how it was all for shit and for all your effort it didn't get you a damn thing. No matter what you did, you ended up hurt and lonely and empty with a bunch of crap that only reminds you of the person who doesn't want to be around you anymore. After the fifth or sixth time, you tell yourself -- that's gotta be the wrong way to do it. Everything else in life that's supposed to last forever requires research, planning, and convergence of the planets. Homebuying, carbuying, career planning, estate planning -- spouses last as long (or longer), so they must take as much cost/benefit analysis too.

The big thing that relationship needs, that Havrilesky points out, is passion. House, car, lifestyle - they cost more money when you yield to passion. The sportscar, the mediterranean villa, the bohemian artistry: they're not the most cost-effective investments.

A passionate relationship, however, only requires the investment of your own passion and the return of it from the other party. If the passion is misspent on the wrong investment? So what...there's no shortage of giggly, happy, loving emotion, so there's no reason to hoard it like it's evaporating away.

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