Dude, I'm apparently the cause of 38% of gayness in the upper Midwest. All porn is homosexual porn, because it makes your sexuality turn inwards, says Michael Schwartz, chief-of-staff for Republican Oklahoma senator Tom Coburn, who, surprisingly, is one of the few Republicans who don't have first-hand experience with how gay sex works. "Rubbing your own penis makes you love the penis more" is about the only possible translation I can get of it, but, dude, looking at boobs is hardly going to 'turn' any guys gay. Watching a guy fuck a woman doesn't make you wish, "boy, I wish that vagina was my ass", it makes you wish "I wish that was my dick in that vagina." However, Schwartz wants you to tell your kids that porn causes the gay, then see how much porn they want to look at. "Playboy will make you gay, Bobby, what do you say to that?" "No, no, please don't make me look at tits, dear God, no!" Schwartz credits a ex-homosexual religious leader for that quote, and if there's anybody you shouldn't trust for gay information, it's a former-homosexual. They've gotta spin a whole lotta crazy in their heads to defeat their predisposed sexual urges.

Porn piracy is rampant all around the world, and even though the US pushes a deluge of crappy porn into the universe, we're not the only ones. France and Japan have their own pornographers, but they're not immune to piracy, either. So, what do they do about it? France says, eh, it happens, Japan says fuck you pirates, here's a lawsuit! Japan pornographers have thus taken the RIAA model of media ownership and launched an attack on South Korea, while France has, obviously, surrendered. I'd say that the content has something to do with it: Japan knows there's no other source for tentacle child rape in the world, so they're going to protect their valuable assets, but, come on, who can't get a French woman naked in front of a camera?

First, Jenna Haze wins a big AVN award, then she's being "normal" in Hawaii, and now she's performing as the top-billed star in a Twilight porn parody. What hasn't Jenna Haze done yet? Ah, she hasn't been to Fargo - but she'll cross that off her list next Friday when she performs up there at The Northern, which back in my day was called the 4-10 Lounge. Here's the stripclub's website.

Hugh Hefner gets a bad rap for objectifying women, but his detractors overlook the amount of positive work towards gay rights, reproductive freedom, and feminism in general that Hef has accomplished over the past decades. All because shlubs like me like to look at boobs. God bless Hugh Hefner - any guy that's pro-choice, pro-gay, and pro-boobs is the greatest human that ever lived.

Gather 'round, kids, we're gonna hear a story about the olden days: Wasn't porn so much better back in the seventies, and why doesn't that happen now? Short answer: well, there isn't one, other than that nostalgia always makes things look greater than it was at the time. I do like the point that old porn had a "we're in this together" feel, the same actors and crew had each other's backs, like the first half of Boogie Nights, but then Nena Hartley kept banging other guys and Quiz Kid Donnie Smith had to pop a cap in everyone's ass, and then the porn industry went to hell.

Holy crap, my Netflix queue is full, otherwise I'd so fucking expect this to arrive in my mail tomorrow. Just hearing the title John and Kate Fuck Eight is enough for me to know I will totally rub my cock raw. I can't think of anything sexier than that god damned hairstyle and bitchy attitude, and I guess the Kate is kinda hot too. As long as Kate Goselin keeps turning down Playboy, at least I'll have this parody porn to work off of.

Watching porn is like a spa day all rolled into thirty seconds, says the Today Show's sex expert. He gets to relax, somebody touches him, and there's a relieving release somewhere in there, which is pretty much like what happens at a spa, right? And - best of all - it doesn't cost a hundred and twenty bucks. That'll last him a couple months of camgirl access, so, remember, ladies: his taste for boobs isn't about sex: it's relaxation.

You know what turns you on at the strip club and while watching porn? Mirror neurons. Your brain goes into anticipating and remembering how sex happens, but no sex actually happens, so you look at more porn, continuing to remember how sex happens, making your brain actually go through the motions of sex, until you've made a mess in your boxers. Oh, yeah: mirror neurons are also involved in how you learn to play piano and ride a bike, but if there's ever been proof of a God, it's the ability to trick mirror neurons into having sex and masturbating while you're doing it. It's like Disneyland and every illegal drug mixed into one, and you're made that way.

AIDS organizations, California's OSHA, and others are pressuring the porn industry to wear condoms. No Way, Jose', says the porn industry, if only because Jose' is the guy with the twelve-inch dick ready for his deep-throat scene. Why not? People don't want to see porn stars wearing condoms, according to the pornographers themsleves, which I totally don't agree with. I've seen porn made with everyone wearing condoms (interestingly, they magically appear before insertion and disappear before the facial, but if anything porn is known for its scene-cut efficiency), but I have yet to think, "ick, they're wearing a condom?" Get over yourselves, porn industry: if a condom is the thing that puts viewers off your shitty wham-bam-thankyou-mam films, you're focus on integrity of your art is sorely mistaken.

German tourists having a good time on the Spanish Mediterranean of Mallorca are being trapped and forced to be sexually exploited against their will. Videos of tourists having sex are being posted online, horribly using these poor tourists' bodies, who are just trying to enjoy themselves. All they have to do is force the tourists to have sex on camera by offering a sexy woman and the opportunity for public sexual intercourse. Yes, these men voluntarily get up on stage, in a crowd of hundreds, and fuck a sexy woman - and then complain that somebody posted them to PornTube. Rule #1 of not being an inadvertent porn star: don't have sex in public. Rule #2: if you do have sex in public and get filmed, you're not the exploited one; you got exactly what you wanted, to fuck somebody while everyone watched. One of these "abused" men said, "I wanted to try something new, but my one bit me. It was painful rather than pleasurable." Dude, that pain isn't an internet video: it's gonorrhea. You should have that checked out. Not from the woman in the video, no, but you probably didn't just stop at fucking one young Spanish lady in Mallorca, did you?

Analysis of the Dallas library system shows that seven and a half percent of all traffic is porn. That's around one out of 15 clicks, which, come on, for Dallas is probably a small number. Maybe those homeless guys have figured out how to use seven proxies so that they can look at boobs on the public computers without setting off any warnings. Not that Dallas has any anti-porn software: the analysis comes because they want to find out if they need to install porn-blocking software. Personally, I say they put a cop on-site, and anyone looking at porn in a way that you can see it over their shoulder gets arrested for public indecency - solves the homeless problem in the library, teaches people that, hey, boobs on the library computer might be a bad thing, and - fuck - get some people to go read some god-damned books rather than wasting their time on the public PCs. If you want to look at porn in public, that's what your internet-enabled cellphone is for.

The recession is hitting everyone hard - performer Savannah Stern is selling her Mercedes and borrowing a Chevy Trailblazer from her parents. Holy crap - twentysomethings who saw huge dividends when the economy was good spent it on crap rather than investing in their future, and now they're leaning on their parents to get by? This is unacceptible, people - where do porn stars think they can get away with this? Oh, from the Times, who have been trying to run this story for a year now, but the only people they could find were losers. Then - aha! - a photogenic youth drops in their laps. The porn industry's drop in price is probably the more shocking, but that's hard to photoboob, er, boobograph...er, boob on the boobpage of a boobpaper. I wonder - the non-financier that I am - if this is simply a price correction. One person can't make all the porn, like a monopoly, so there's a inherent demand for more pornography - the adult entertainment industry will always have a pool of actors, but as prices go down, performers drop out - but the smaller it gets, the more that small pool will be asking for bigger paychecks, which then makes the pool bigger because porn payrolls are getting back to the size of the people who dropped out due to low revenues, wavering back and forth until it settles at a point where customers are willing to pay and "service providers" are willing to work for. The inherent scarcity in DVD sales, as opposed to instant internet access, kept prices high, but the people giving away porn for free are still paying their bills: there's still money in it someplace, maybe a smaller paycheck than before, but it's not like the general public has decided to stop watching porn. I doubt that'll ever happen.

OK, yeah, I'll agree that kids shouldn't be using the internet for porn, but it's a definite step up from squiring gonorrhea on each other because they don't have any other outlet. Er, anyhow, kids these days don't care about any of that: children are spending more time watching YouTube than they are searching for sex or porn. On one hand, if the kids even remotely know that somebody's monitoring their internet habits, they're gonna be looking for porn at their friend's houses. On the other hand: you can lose fuckin' weeks watching videos of cats wearing clothes set to music, or re-dubbed 80s cartoons full of swear words and homophobia, or people who thing they're the best ever but are completely not, or pirated movies broken up into 10-minute chunks...and then your friends call you because they haven't heard from you since Friday and are worried you didn't make it home safe from the bar. I do love this tidbit: "...a startling amount of children are illiterate or just plain lazy, with 'utube' in at number 78 on the list". Ah, remember when the kid with the computer was the smart kid in class? In a hundred and fifty years, "you" will be seen as a quaint and archaic member of the english language.

When your wife - a mom of 4, no less - poses in Playboy, it's a big deal. Well, that is, until your employer makes a big deal of it. Even worse: you're a cop, and your station-mates have spent the last year "investigating" your wife's Playboy spread in a harassing way. Wait, cops are assholes to people with liberal sensibilities? Who knew? See also: cop assumes girl is prostitute, catches her "littering", arrests her for fake ID - don't worry, something'll stick, right? She made you get out of your cruiser!

Pornographers are getting lazy: they to sexy remakes of everything from the Brady Bunch to X-Files, and now they're parodying things that are, essentially, a parody in themselves. Lethal Hardcore Video is producing the artistically titled "Fuck my mom and me", in which a David Letterman-like goofball gets to fuck a Sara Palin-like politico and her Slutty Palin-like daughter. Once upon a time, nobody gave a shit who the characters were trying to be - and there was a certain appreciation for subtle, unspoken connections. Now, it's "hey, remember that thing! Here's what it would look like if they were fucking!" Watch for this later this fall: "We Fuck Reporter Prisoners!" featuring a Bill Clinton -alike, a KimJong Il -alike, two nondescript asian women with huge fucking tits and a taste for anal, and a guest appearance from a Al Gore -alike. Shit - I shoulda kept that a secret; it's actually an awesome premise for some crappy porn.

Corrections officer Scott Heimlich sounds like he loved his porn a little too much - he was recently fired because he, allegedly, was downloading so much porn that it slowed their computer network to a crawl. Now, I download a lot of porn myself, but never so much as to impact network performance...that takes some dedicated porn effort. The report says Heimlich only had 857 pornographic pictures on his computer: that's nowhere near enough to slow down a computer. Streaming video, that's the porn of choice for correctional officers, you know.

The only person surprised seems to be the person who wrote the press release. At the Urban X Awards, a porn industry award for minority-focused work, the TV-show parody "Not the Cosby Show" won absolutely no awards. This did not surprise the director, nor any of the performers, since they knew they had not been nominated, and were not expecting any awards, but the writer for AIN found this to be a travesty, a sin against modern art, because, well, the marketing agency was paid, so, hell, they better spin something about it.

Over at Oprah.com, Violet Blue provides evidence that women like porn just about as much as men: Nielsen says one-in-three, Hustler says half, neither of which are small perc-wait, what the fuck? Violet Blue writes for Oprah? Dude, that's more paradigm-shifting than women liking porn. Women have always liked porn; in the past, it was called "erotica" and less likely to be censored by the government, meaning that women had an easier time getting their jollies from sexual media than guys did.

If you wondered whether you should look at porn at work, ask Brad Pitt, who suggests you scan your porn there. Why put wear-and-tear on your own scanner! Sidenote: who the fuck scans their porn to look at it on the computer? Brad Pitt needs to turn SafeSearch off for a while.

Let's say you've got a cushy government job, you live in Florida, you've got a smokin' hot wife - life's great, right? That is, until the city council discovers your wife is a porn star; then, you're ass is fired. Oh, of course, that in no way reflects on the reason for the firing (not that they can provide a reasonable reason), and the city is struggling to get through various projects that the fired city planner was doing a good job of managing, but, hey, we can't tolerate any sort of pornin' around here, you know. Much better to look like idiots than to accept a married porn star.