Researchers in the UK want to study men who haven't been exposed to hardcore pornography. That, unfortunately, is impossible: everyone they found had been exposed to porn in their life. Kinda like finding a virgin on her wedding night, amirite? They decided to study actual porn use, and found that single guys used porn about 4 times as much as married blokes, and guys were as young as 10 when first exposed -- but they quickly discarded stuff they found offensive, which the study says is a good sign that porn doesn't damage men, damaged men prefer icky porn. While the study didn't get to gauge the gap between non-pornified men and their pervert brethren, they did find some important things out, and I hope, someday, they find that rural, blind man who has never thought about sex in his entire life.

The Emperor of Indonesia has discovered the source of all their woes: the availability of cheap porn has caused deadly earthquakes, tsunamis, the world economic collapse, three hundred fifty thousand cases of spontaneous limbectomies, the popularity of Ben Stein, and at least four alien invasions. While he didn't say all of those, a high percentage were. The minister warns: because we haven't done anything about porn, the natural disasters will continue, because science has recently proven that plate tectonics has long been driven by photographs of tits and fucking. It's sure a good thing that Indonesia's "Communication and Information Minister" is so well-informed.

The iPhone might have been first, but it kinda sucks - mostly because, unless you live in a big city, it's a useless piece of crap. Secondly, if you want porn, it's an even bigger useless piece of crap. Google to the rescue: the G-based Android phone has a bigger wireless network, and they're totally OK with pornographic apps in their store. It'll only be a matter of time before Apple opens up the naughtiness, but my money is still on the 'Droid. Remember Betamax, HDDVD, the development of chat and streaming software - the technology that best embraces pornography will always take center stage. Bye, iPhone, your absence of genitals will be your downfall.

For us Western countries, 3G means high-speed internet in your pocket; for China, in theory, it means no longer having to keep the string stretched as tight as possible when you talk into the soupcan to Grandma, but the powers-that-be claim all 3G will bring is pornography. Other things the Chinese government have blamed for the increase in pornography are the internet, printing presses, fax machines, LEDs, pizza delivery restaurants, Reebok sneakers, Linkin Park, ornately designed flower gardens in private yards, hovercrafts, dry-erase markers, and, of course, Japan.

The economy is slumping, people aren't spending the way they have, and torrents are to blame for everything, so what's a key grip or best boy to do? Go work on porn. It used to be, in the high-flying eighties, if you weren't union you had to start out in porn, but since porn is the only one hiring these days those same film crewmembers have to look towards the seedy side of filmmaking to get the bills paid. Poor Sasha Gray - she worked so hard to break out, and a bad economy will just keep pulling her in!

The grand province of Maryland has passed a law to require colleges to screen their campus for pornography. Not just their internet connection - everything on campus was to be screened for porn. Maryland university's responses: "Dude, have you seen how much porn there is in the world?." The article fudges around the edges of first amendment rights and the legality of being the obscenity police, but I'd like to add this: college students are FUCKING ADULTS. Jesus christ, treat people like children until their fucking thirty and let's see what direction society goes. "Hello, there, Mr. Med Student, heard you saved somebody's life yesterday - oh, and hand over the Playboys, you can't be trusted to make good decisions about sex."

Here's a porn story every conservative Republican can get behind: the porn industry is losing its misogynistic edges thanks to the capitalistic influence of women. Ayn Rand would be proud! By becoming a larger part of the porn purchasing consumer-base, which used to be made up of entirely of child molesters and closeted gay Republicans according to Fox News, women are influencing the content and subject of pornographic films. The article is more-or-less an extended ad for last month's PorYes events, which aim to endorse female-friendly pornography. With the economic downturn porn has been slipping like everything else; those women's dollars (or Euros, as the case might be) have a greater weight than ever before - do it for the porn industry, ladies: use capitalism to make porn more enjoyable for everyone, including those closeted gay Republicans.

Tennessee's Electric Power Board, a government entity which provides utilities to the region, also provides Cable TV service. When they decided to add PPV porn, the shit hit the fan. The EPB's response: we're the government, censoring porn on moral grounds constitutes a First Amendment violation. You're God damn right it is. Notice how Republican senator David Fowler has no problem with a socialist utility company - those god damned socialists are ruining the competition! - but when the utility provides a customer-desired service - god damned capitalists, doing what the market wants! - the Conservative Republican is outraged - outraged! - that they can't control the socialist utility's capitalistic decision to provide a particular product because it violates the citizen's 1st Amendment rights. There's so much fail in the Republican response, it makes me want to go buy pay-per-view porn in Tennessee just to spite those hypocrytical assholes. The biggest takeaway is this: only when a politican can control and benefit from something, are they for it. Fuck all y'all, you just voted for them, but what have you done for them since?

Give it a rest, guys: the sex you see in porn isn't real sex, and you shouldn't be trying to copy it. I'm not quite sure it's true, though: the last time I was at a high school, everybody suddenly broke into a song and dance number right after the handsome jock asked the gorgeous nerd to prom; I had eaten so many shrooms that day. I find porn entertaining, and even laugh at it from time to time - that 'dick slapping' move mentioned in the link is so absurdly unsexy I wonder how it got so widespread - but I know better than to think any position for having sex while cheating open for the cameras isn't going to be much fun. The problem has got to be inexperienced guys who know nothing else. Ladies, would you rather you had a guy who didn't know anything about sexual pleasure trying to figure you out? At least these guys have a baseline to work from; the product of our educational system only know how to make babies and prevent disease, but porn-educated lovers at least understand the good parts somewhat.

Black Sun Gazette has produced one of the more succinct articles on why porn criticisms are all wrong. They take on addiction, disease, sexism, misogyny, and all the other crap people lob at porn as reason it sucks, and tears them all down. What does that leave? I can only deduce: porn is awesome. You get to watch people fuck, you get to maybe have an orgasm, and then you can totally do it again later. But, hey, I've been saying porn is awesome for years, so I'm not surprised.

Those fucking liberal Canadians: they allow an erotica story in their papers without getting into how sex is destroying society. Don't they understand the risks involved in promoting something fun without pointing out consequences? They don't have enough puritans up there, dammit. "Forget Porn, Gimme My Smut" hopes to explain to people, hey, pictures of people fucking might still be awesome, but have you thought about reading about people fucking? With those frilly, girly-romance covers, you can probably get away with reading them in public without being noticed, too. The bulk of the story is a how-to from an erotica writer, so next time you sit down to try and be an author, write some porn, dammit - it's more fun than you think.

CNBC, otherwise known as "MSNBC's nerdy older brother", bring us a slideshow of The Best-Selling Adult DVDs of All Time. Well, not "of all time" - of the past couple years, or so, there's no "Green Door" or "Deep Throat" on the list. the lowest numbers sold in the 8,000 copies or so, which doesn't seem like much at all - let's skip to the best-seller, which has to be "Pirates" or- wait, what the hell is "Brad Armstrong's Flashpoint"? What the fuck? "Pirates" is #3, after "Flashpoint" and a fucking clip DVD. All the photos are "courtesy AdultDVDEmpire", and you can certainly bet the list's actual contents come from them too. Title, however, has to be CNBC's fault - you can tell they send the nerds to work at CNBC, because when you're the web developer who posts a "best porn of all-time" list, and you don't even have a base reference of what porn is popular to question, 'hey, that list doesn't sound right', you're too geeky to work on the same TV channel as Keith Olbermann; expect to be sent to the Jim Cramer channel, that's more your speed.

Welcome to Pornography Awareness Week! All I know is about the title, so my guess is you've come to this website for the first time, to make yourself aware to what the world of pornography has to offer. You can start wi-oh, wait a fucking second right here. Pornography Awareness Week is a conservative evangelical movement to point out perceived problems with porn. The want to make sure you know that "the average age that children first come into contact with pornographic material is 9 years old.", which means every god-damned person in charge of Pornography Awareness Week - and all Christians, due to their majority status in the US - saw pornography in their formative years and obviously are too emotionally damaged to be listened to. I mean, just look at the numbers, people: they're not averaging criminals or atheists. The average age of everybody is 9, including that nice bus driver who takes your kids to school, the english teacher who sings in the church choir, the school's police officer - they all viewed porn around the age of nine, on average. Their pornography experiences have damaged them to the point that they are irrational and unable to properly deal with their urges, so let's just not pay them any attention. Me: my first pornographic experience was around age 12, at a friend's house, looking through some 1970s Penthouses he had gotten/stolen from an older cousin, who it sounded like had gotten/stolen them from some other relative. Shortly thereafter I found my parent's porn stash. Just because I was older than nine doesn't mean I was affected any less - I'm just as fucked up as the 'porn awareness' people, so you better fucking run for the hills.

Living in close proximity to your neighbors is a pain-in-the-ass, especially when the satellite porn channel is so loud you can hear it through the walls. It sucks even more when the noisy neighbor is the satellite TV channel. The Sky channel EliteTV has moved their production studios, but their new neighbors are annoyed at the amount of fucksounds going on. Dumbasses, this is a freakin' boon to your property values! Media production companies moving in is a sign of gentrification - put that 'for sale' sign out and everybody will be happy. I'd totally buy a house next door to a porn studio; the perks are amazing.

It's been all over the news: Marge Simpson is nude on the new Playboy. Yawn. You know who's not yawning over it? Christians. Christians are all up in arms over a cartoon being naked. They're demanding 7-11 stop carrying Playboy - wait, huh? - 7-11s don't carry Playboy, unless some manager orders it anyway? That's no excuse! Won't somebody think of the children, who see a cartoon and have no clue what a Playboy is?!!? Fuck you, asshole: boys stopping in for a Slurpee want that Playboy because there's dog-damned mother-loving tits inside. And, I mean, it's a sacrilege to portray a wholesome, kid-friendly cartoon-oh, yeah: Marge spent most of one episode of The Simpsons naked, running through town, trying to avoid being seen by strangers and children, because she was trying to fuck her husband in a public place, where they risked being caught - and in another, flashes her implant-enhanced breasts at a group of strangers. Hallelujah - show The Simpsons in kindergartens, the Christian Right is protecting them from being sullied by evil hedonists!

So, a nine-year-old visits his mom at her fire-station job, goes to the bathroom, and finds porn. Of course he's going to steal it and take it home, hiding it under his bed. And, of course, mom freaks the fuck out, ending up discovering five dozen more pornographic magazines at the fire station. Because, y'know, the world is in danger if some child is going to wander by and steal the firemen's porn. The fire department has offered $200,000 to settle her lawsuit - wait, her kid steals something that's not appropriate for him to have while visiting a non-kid-friendly place, and the fire department is out almost a quarter of a million dollars? It's a good thing fire departments are rolling in the dough, nothing important to spend their money on, and nine-year-olds can fuck it up for firemen by doing what nine-year-olds do.

The Irish among you readers can hear a profile on Hef on RTE1 this Thursday, but their article on Hef's life and future is pretty good, too. The guy has been putting a positive spin for decade on having sex, married, unmarried, beautiful or not, rich or not, and living the lifestyle openly that you choose. If there's anybody who needs to an icon in our current world, where private desires are nearly universally available to us First World countries, it's Hugh Hefner.

The National Science Foundation, a bastion of intelligence and logic in the United States. Also, of late it's a bastion of worktime porn parusing. One high-ranking official, in particular, spent nearly every day, including weekends, partaking in online porn from his desk. Shouldn't he have been curing cancer or extending my wifi range or something? Porn, is, of course, a noble pursuit, but not when important things are at hand, like figuring out why my MP3 player runs out of battery after six hours. Scientists, get your priorities in gear: solve the energy crisis first, then masturbate in your cubicle.

Edison, NJ, the place last year's eXXXotica show moved to when Secaucus told them to leave, tried to pass an ordinance restricting adult businesses within a quarter mile of churches, schools, etc. Thankfully, somebody owned a tape measure, and determined that eXXXotica's venue wasn't within the restricted distance, so the sale of dildos is planned to continue unabated. Festivities start today.

If there's one bad thing I've been saying about Israel, it's the lack of gay porn. Michael Lucas, of gay-porn production company Lucas Entertainment, thinks what Israel needs to survive is a hard, hot injection of gay film. How that will help Israel more than any other place, I'm not sure - I once told people that all Luxembourg needs to survive is a gay porn industry, and they looked at me like I'm crazy - but who's crazy now, Israel? Huh? WHO?