Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Mormons: Married Sex Is Best!

Ah, morality works best when data is cherrypicked. A large US university has done a landmark study showing that sex is better if you wait until you're married. Of course, it's one of the largest religious schools in the US, but what advantage would they have to publish such results? I know that all of my best experiences have been with somebody who's been morally fearful of doing the thing that they're doing for the first time at that moment - my dentist choices work exactly that way. "Excuse me, Mr. Dentist: have you been terrified of teeth up until only a few minutes ago? Hop on in - my cavities are ready for you!" The study, of course, only asked married people - it would be too hard to ask voluntarily single people if their best sexual experiences have been before getting married. I think what they've failed to realize is that the sex you're getting now is the best sexual experience you've ever had. The study's main point is that people who wait until marriage for sex have better relationships overall, but there's a correlation/causation problem here...when Brigham Young's Mormon Manufacturing Plant is citing studies which bolster Mormon Teachings, I doubt that a proper comparison of other possible causes, but, hey, if you're questioning your faith and need facts to reassure you, just keep doing what feels wrong, because someday, Brigham Young University promises everything will be better - just look at the data.

Old Men Fuck!

It's a fact, ladies: old men get plenty of ass. According to Dr Sanjay Gupta, septuagenarians and up still get a satisfying amount of fucking done, regardless of how wrinkly they are, how bad their sleep apnea is, or how awesome their erection is. That last one is, of course, sponsored by Enzyte, for all your old-man-boner needs. Anyhow, the article says that men in their 70s had quite a bit more sex than the men in their 90s, mostly because who, really, wants to fuck a 90-year-old when there's so many randy 70-somethings around? I know I don't. Oh, stop with all the ewwww bullshit: you guys should be high-fiving it each other to learn that you've got, what, forty or fifty years of fucking ahead of you! That's awesome as shit, right there.

Sex Detox!

Let's say, you're in a relationship, and you're fucking daily - WELL CUT THAT SHIT OUT! You're making it worse - you need to do a 'sex detox' from time to time, to give you the space to re-evaluate your relationship. Detox isn't simply abstinence - it has exercises and tests and breathing techniques, all sorts of things that are so much more fun to do than have sex. Also, and the article doesn't make this clear: if you're going to sex detox, let your partner know. I don't think forcing abstinence on your lover so you can do breathing exercises is going to improve your sex life in the future, at least until you get over the breakup.

Not A Relationship!

Her story: the sex was good and all, but it wasn't serious or anything, so the greedy bastard doesn't deserve any part of her property. His story: Living together for eleven years, taking family photos and sharing a bed is kinda sorta serious. Good thing they're not in America: around here, unless you're married, your relationship means nothing. Happily, in Australia, they have figured out to weigh the importance of a relationship by all its merits, and now she has to buy out his share of the property within a couple months.

Viagra: Not Risky!

Doctors are worried: will prescribing an old coot Viagra open him up to orgies and all the diseases that come from such massive amounts of fucking? Of course not, says Science!, who say erectile dysfunction drugs do not affect risky sexual behavior. You know what causes risky sexual behavior in elderly men prescribed erectile dysfunction drugs? All that cocaine and gay sex, that's when. The men fucking recklessly would have otherwise fucked recklessly if they didn't need Viagra, which would deserve a high-five if I wasn't worried about the fluids on the old horny coot's hands.

Women: Guilty!

Sorry, ladies, now that it's been proved that only slutty chicks have G-spots, the reason women are less horny than men is because you're so embarassed and ashamed when you're horny that you stop yourself from getting aroused. This appears to have something to do with the inconsistency issue, and what I have to say is this: Women, don't let the pendulum swing back to Victorian prudery, which lets men be fuckmonsters and women are supposed to be virginal and restrained. That social attitude doesn't bode well for you - so don't give in. Be horny, slutty women, and be smart about it so you don't mess things up and give people a reason to look down on you. Fucking is totally worth it, and not a source of embarassment. Change your attitude, and your g-spot might start to grow in.

Fish Oil: DRUGS!

Want good sex? put down the fucking Cheetos and eat some Chicken of the Sea. In the book The Orgasmic Diet, wants you to know just how much your diet sucks. Oh, and caffeine and soy are both out, so it's no wonder that skinny vegan at the coffee shop has a look on her face like she hasn't gotten laid in years.

Kama Sutra Buddies!

If you've ever wondered what would be on a website called "My Kama Sutra Buddy", now's your chance: it lets you pick from a variety of potential sexual partners to act out various sexual positions. Sounds good? Go have a look and check back, let's see your answer then. If you say the first combination you picked wasn't the fat guy and the midget girl, you're a god-damned liar. Also, why no love for black guys? I'm sure they could have found a 300-pound black guy to rub his nipples - we've got one who hangs out at the grocery store, I think they can borrow him easily.

Sex Addiction = Bullshit!

With all this Tiger Woods and David Duchovny and 80-Something Indian Politician in the news, sex addiction treatment is all the rage. Too bad it's all bullshit. Doctors can't diagnose sex addiction, because it's not a DSM-approved disease (and, really, most sex-related psychiatric diseases were tossed out years ago), and falls more under the realm of a non-addiction compulsion, something like OCD or impulsivity limitations. Sex addiction is a case of treating the symptoms - the sex - and not treating the actual impulsive drive which is more likely to be the clinically-treatable issue. So, try this, Discovery Channel, here's a new TV show idea: take all the compulsives - the hoarders and the shopaholics and the sex addicts - and put them in a single house together, with Dr Drew, Dr Sanjay Gupta, the Charm School asshole, and toss in the team from Ghost Hunters International just for fun, and you'll have the greatest exploitative show in the history of television.

Swedish Lesbians!

Swedish women may be looking online for sex, but a new study shows they're also not looking any further than their sorority roommates. Swedish women are more likely to engage in lesbian activities, regardless of their professed sexuality. The study attributes it to a greater societal tolerance of lesbian activities - fucking duh - and, dude, have you seen how hot Swedish women are? They can't help but fuck each other they're so gorgeous.

Sex-Positive Groupware!

Sure, I'm on Facebook and MySpace, which means my mom and my sisters and my inlaws and a couple of the gals from up front at work who insisted, and, strangely, nearly every one of my ex-girlfriends - which means friending Libby or favoriting the stripclub or any number of pornstars I email with, well, those two circles can't intersect without causing trouble. So, where do I go to friend my slutty buddies? GoodVibes thinks Black Box Republic is a good option - I tried to go register, but it cost money; I know it keeps out the riff-raff, which makes me think it's way more datey than a social network, but your mileage may vary, so check it out - Good Vibrations doesn't usually steer people wrong.

Casual Sex OK!

The word is finally in: casual sex isn't harmful emotionally. Not only that, but the information comes from a survey here in Minnesota, and if you know anything about Minnesota, it's that the entire state is a 24/7 fucking orgy around here. The study found that people's emotional state was the same whether they fucked a committed partner or a casual acquaintance, and warned that disease and pregnancy are a much bigger risk, but fucking itself is a happy thing to do.

Smart = Horny!

Want to get laid? Ask her about the last book she read. Stupid women have higher risk of sexual dysfunction, while intelligent women are easier aroused. Just my own previous experience could have proven that: college educated, hot in the sack; no college, meh, kinda crazy; dropped out of high school to join the military: dear god it's a wonder it didn't turn me gay. OK, turning gay doesn't really happen, but she nearly turned me off women altogether. Mine might be a small sampling, but the experts agree - fuck college-educated women, you'll enjoy it more.

Empty Sex Promises OK!

Once upon a time, it apparently was illegal to promise future marriage just to fuck somebody - in Korea, at least - but the law was recently overturned, allowing creepy guys to promise to marry everyone they want to fuck. Hooray for the 21st century! It's about time somebody proved that, A: some guys still use that line, and B: - it totally works!

Show Some Skin!

Manolith has figured out just how sexy exposed skin is on a babe. Ladies, it turns out that 40% is about the most skin you should be showing; any more than that is threatening, but much less than that is too Puritan for a man's roving eyes. Personally, I think that the "more than 40% turnoff" rapidly goes off-scale high once the exposed skin reaches 100%, if my website traffic is any indicator.

Public Sex!

Public sex! What better way to get arrested than fucking where someone might see you - and Get Frank has some advice on how to do it right. I'm too much of a pussy to even risk it - what would my mom think if that showed up in the police blotter?!? - but I suppose if you include some quickies in the car at a rest area, it turns out I've been a naughty boy anyway. When the dick says it's time for a fuck, you better be prepared to act on it.

Sex Don'ts!

You ladies have whole magazines telling you the dos and don'ts of sex, but they always seem to be missing something. Here's some guys who want to fill in the blanks. Numero Uno: Ask Before You Surprise Me With A Finger In The Butt. Yes, ladies, after you read enough Cosmo, we're completely certain you've lost all ability to have logical thought. In fact, everything on The Frisky's list counteracts or undoes that Cosmo shit you read.

Tiny Dick Support Group!

If you're one of those guys who are less than endowed, I implore you - do not go to the tiny penis message boards. Penis length is 90% subjective, so self-identifying yourself as a negative is like going over an posting complaints at "The Message Board for Stupid, Ugly, and Rude People". Sure, there's lots of stupid, ugly, and rude people in the world, but the ones that identify with that idea are bigger losers than anybody else in the world. I may be biased, though: I'm hung like a fucking bull moose, so getting high-fives isn't difficult for me. On the other hand - totally welcomes men who think they've got small dicks: I can pretty much guarantee that your dick is nowhere near as small as you think it is, and the only time women care is when they want to use you as a toy. Don't be a toy, don't be a self-criticising jerk, and you'll have no problem finding a babe who'll ride that cock until you're both too chafed to care.

Hobbies Make You Sexy!

According to a British survey, your hobbies make you seem hotter to the opposite sex. Men, here's what'll make you sexier: football, surfing, photography, rock climbing, and white-water rafting. The survey was done in Great Britain, which means, sorry, Americans, "football" doesn't mean your cheesehead hat will impress her much. The list might be a bit more worldly, though: there's white-water rafting in the British Isles? That doesn't seem right. Anyhow, guys will say the women's list is 'duh' - figuring prominently as a woman's hobby is "pole dancing".

Reply All Sucks

Internet romances aren't a bad thing, and - as Gracie can attest - turn into good things in the end. However, as two Cornell employees have found out, there's a few things that can go wrong with an internet romance, making it more trouble than it's worth:
  1. doing it with coworkers;
  2. doing it with married coworkers;
  3. doing it via your work email;
  4. accidentally sending it to the 'forward to all' address to everybody who knows where you work, who you work with, who you're married to, and who now knows just how productive you really are.
Lastly, if this is how cyber sex sounds when it's done, remind me never to go look at my own email history. I would not be surprised if I'd actually used the phrase "Tickled and licked and orgasmed to death!!!" in my own dalliances.

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