Posts Tagged 'Sex Sells'

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4-Hour Erections: None!

"I suppose it's funny to talk about...But it's not funny when it happens to you," is a news quote that applies to nearly every sex story. In this case, however, it talks about Priapism, that surgeon's general warning on Viagra about the perils of a 4-hour erection. The good news is that the doctors interviewed have never had a patient actually come in with an engorged cock due to erectile drugs, but the problem can be caused by a number of other physical problems, and could cause penis damage. So, stop worrying, pill-popping grandpa penis: an excessive erection is the least of the problems Viagara can cause for you - it's just the funniest one.

Porn Star = Billboard!

Let's say, you're a marketer, and you want to get your logo in front of the eyes of people who rarely leave the house, spend all their time staring at a computer screen. How do you get their attention? tattoo your logo on the tits of a porn star. This, my friends, is genius! The company sells virtual currency for online games, which means, that, yes, in terms of visual surfaces, porno tits occupy, like, 45% of the viewer's day, with the other 55% in the game itself anyway. Better than some poor loser's forehead - that just breeds pity and sorrow; porn star boobs make things awesomer.

Drill, Pound...SAND!

Holy fuck, I need to go to Home Depot right now. This two-minute long commercial for various power tools, as demonstrated by bikini-clad, oiled and sweaty babes, really gets my router...routing...or something like that. Turns out, it's just an extremely well done edit of a video for Benny Benassi's Satisfaction. Still, I think I might need to stop down at Home Depot for a few minutes, just to make sure:

Go North, Breast Man!

In a scientific and educational study, British researchers have found that Yorkshire women have the biggest tits. Londoners, however, have the smallest, so when you go you England to get laid (who doesn't?) don't stick in the city: go find a busty rural lass, show her some attention, because the article says "nearly four in ten believe their bigger busts make it harder to find a partner". Over here in the U.S., those same "4 in 10 think that bigger breasts make it STOP STARING AT THEM, MORON".

Janet Jackson's Breast: Still Around!

Wait, this is still an issue? The freakin' Supreme Court was asked to step in over the $550,000 fine for the Jackson/Timberlake wardrobe malfunction. CBS is fighting the FCC fine, pushing through the courts until it showed up at the Supreme Court's doorstep. Supreme Court: not saying anything now, lower courts please reconsider. Pay the fucking fine, CBS: you're not proving anything by being a dick about it. Titillation comes with a price.

Breasts Make TV More Exciting!

The fucking understatement of the century! See, America, this is why Latin television kicks your ass: nobody cares how naughty it is. Sin Senos no hay Paraiso is a hugely popular telanovela, which focuses on girls seducing drug dealers to pay for their breast enhancements, which has so much embedded awesome, I may have to change satellite providers just to get Telemundo. The title even translates to "Without Breasts There is No Paradise" according to Google, which is like calling Daisy of Love "Her Tits Lure Douches". Which, in fact, translates to "Su Tetas Atraen Douches" in Spanish, which sounds like one of those artsy foreign films you only watch for the promise of on-screen nudity.

Bigger Breasts!

Fuck, she can have all my fries if I just get to enjoy the view seen below for a while - and, as a red-blooded American, I can honestly say: those breasts and that accent get her a gold medal. From my penis. It's an ad for a restaurant's new huge double-breast chicken sandwich, so, of course, it is represented by a huge double-something pair of breasts. Billy really earned that marketing degree:

Busted Tees Hotties!

Manofest did the unthinkable: they gallerized the hottest chicks from Busted Tees, one of those 'ironically funny pop-culture reference t-shirts' that mildly annoy me, even though I own a few. The only downside: now it looks like you're looking at a porn gallery of women, so when you're masturbating at the computer, your excuse can't be, "no, baby, I'm just shopping for a t-shirt which includes elements from both vintage Nintendo and 1990s movie catch-phrases."

Mormons: Sexy Calendars Hurt!

All sorts of groups are printing naughty calendars, titillating ways to make money, and people pony up for them. Mormons, however, don't look so kindly on the practice: they have excommunicated Chad Hardy, telling him he can't graduate from Brigham Young University for 'behavior', for photographing a beefcake Mormon calendar with such amusing subjects as "Captain Moroni." Foul, the Mormon church cries, it's bad publicity, you're hurting the church! Er, I think Mormons make enough bad publicity on their own, but it's easy to punish one guy with a business than to challenge splinter sects. While he won't get his degree any time soon, business is booming: media attention to his exommunication has created demand for his calendars.


Well, not now, but you can start getting your tickets for the opener in September if you'd like to get good seats. The league has ten teams for the '09-'10 season, which means lots of sweaty hotties crashing into each other. Hooray for sports!

No Frank Sex Talk At School!

Oh, dear, where do I start: Let's say you're a church. Now, let's say somebody's up in arms about frank sexual discussion in a school. Wait - what if these two groups were on opposite sides?!? It totally messed up the paradigm: a Baptist church may have to be kicked out of a school auditorium, because their sexually-themed religious sermons are too much for a gradeschool to tolerate. I'd like to feel schadenfreude over a church getting the butt of the sex-unfriendly policies of schools, but that would overrule my enjoyment of promotion of enjoyable sex between couples - and I'm of the opinion that churches should be allowed to rent school space like anybody else; and, lastly, sex isn't nasty in general, and nobody was being forced to go to church. There's just so much conflicting information, my brain might shut do-


According to the Sun, who is never prone to exaggeration, the casual relationship (they can see other people) between sex and health can stop colds, prevent heart attacks and cure freakin' diabetes. Other studies have shown that having sex prevents foot fungus, helps you pass your driver's license test, can make you taller, and allows certain people to travel through time. Sex is FUCKING AWESOME.


I think lots of people have been taking bets on how long the Burger King Sir-Mix-A-Spongebob commercial would be on the air until complaints get it pulled. The ad appears to be promoting a sale on Spongeboob-themed kid's meals, but the over-the-top sexiness of staring at square butts overshadows the frugality of the message. I saw from the start what the article says: the commercial is aimed at adults, to get their attention (and how attention-getting it is!), so I'm wondering where the 6-year-old saw the commercial; I don't watch a whole lot of TV, but I've only noticed the ads later in the evening. Anyhow, if the Sun-Times can find one 6-year-old who has been irrepairably harmed by boxy buttocks, you can bet there'll be more; the commercial won't last long at this rate.

Condoms: Fuck In The Sun!

Hansaplast is trying to get across that their condoms make sex longer, but apparently it doesn't improve your technique; fucking a bikini gal from behind long enough for her to tan around you is probably a sign you need to change up your game; rotate your bikini girl while fucking, and you'll get a more even tan.

Sexy Teacher: Not Allowed!

Are you somewhat hot, and plan on working with children for a living? Don't bother, it'll be used to make your life harder. A teacher in the U.K. as been reprimanded for posting lingerie photos online and participating in "sexy" contests, because, according to parents, it is inappropriate to accept your sexiness in a positive and self-affirming way, if kids are going to know you exist. She should come over here to the U.S. - for the time being, if you're hot and working in an adult form of entertaniment, "it's the recession's fault."


Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks the Quiznos ad that alludes to an experience in which a chef got burned, but they 'both enjoyed it' is too, too sexy for television. It's no 'filet-o-fish' Billy Bass, because a deep-voiced sandwich oven is a far more imposing and dominant inanimate object than any known singing novelty. That Quizno's cook is that oven's bitch, yo.

I Like Chocolate Like My Sex...

The AV Club has s feature in which they eat crappy stuff and write about how crappy it is. Then, their readers chime in on whatever was eaten. In this case, that second part is what you need to read: the discussion devolved into a "I like my chocolate like I like my sex:" finish-this-sentence competition. Scroll down to the end and read gems like this: I like my chocolate like I like my sex: bitter and lethal to dogs.

Foxy Lady Job Fair!

Economy got you down, can't find a job, looking for an up-and-coming career where the money is good and the dress is casual? The Foxy Lady strip club is here to help: they're hiring, and they welcome inexperienced people, whose only job experience has been nurse, secretary, teacher, or any other kind of career which gets better when you add "naughty" in front of it. (via).

Talking Breasts!

A bra manufacturer wants women to know what happens when they wear a nice fitting, pretty bra: your tits get higher billing:

Big Tits On ReMax Commercial!

I so totally saw this commercial, and even Gracie had to say something about her tits: ReMax is using huge breasts to trick people into buying overpriced homes! Sadly, it works. Huge breasts always succeed at their assigned tasks.

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