Posts Tagged 'Sex Sells'

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I'm the cook around the house, and I love my cast-iron frying pans. I've thought a couple times I should get a cover for the handles, since they can get pretty hot. If I felt like holding on to a small, crocheted penis, I could order one of these -- they're called "manhandles" and I don't think I'm the right audience for them, but if the insinuation is that A) kitchens belong to women and B) women love touching penises, well, then I guess these are totally awesome. Not sure how that fixes my frying pan issue, but, well, I'll pass on the penis potholders, sorry.

Network Support Boobs!

My old page showing boobs in a rack room has gotten linked by Reddit, which has pointed me to another example of IT staff with nice tits, selling rackspace in a former soviet nuclear bunker. Boobs? Boobs!


Lingerie League No More!

A sad day has come and gone: the Lingerie Football League, known for women grunting and colliding while wearing very little clothes, is no longer. Now, they have been reborn as the Legends Football league, who is interested in showing that the sport is serious and not all about the undies, by showing women grunting and colliding while wearing very little clothes. The queen is dead, long live the queen! Well, they do say that the "modified bras and panties" are going out, so they might be able to take the sexy out of the press releases, but muscular, shapely women are still part of the game. I don't hear anyone complaining much.


Pornhub Commercial!

This is what Superbowl commercials look like when made by Bizarro Crispin-Porter. Normally, to get buzz about your Superbowl commercial, you take something lame like domain name registration and add boobs, and that gets you kicked off TV. In Bizarroworld, you take a super-sexy product like porn, and tone it down with a pre-lemonparty gathering of old people...and then get kicked off TV. But, you can't blame them for trying. You can't unsexy commercials too far, otherwise they start to look like a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. There's no loss for Pornhub, though - it's not like there's any overlap in the audience for the NFL and the audience for pornography, is there?


YouPorn Chart Porn!

YouPorn has put together the kind of infographic that'll make a statistician cream his pants. This is the zeitgeist of YouPorn for the recent year, none of which is overly surprising. For one, the average visit is about 10 minutes -- about as long as a normal man lasts before busting a nut during sex, which makes sense. About the most interesting thing is their top six celebrity searches. Hulk Hogan, really? I think those searches actually came from Hulk himself, hoping somebody actually decided to cash in and upload a video they made getting shafted by Hulkamania. Aside from the Hulkster, I apparently need to figure out who this Sara Tommasi is, for her to be #2. The rest of the most-searched ladies are trainwrecks, but a little italian hottie might be somewhat respectable.


Bikini Hockey League!

Why does nobody tell me when there's a new bikini-themed sport? I've long been a fan of the Lingerie Bowl, and who can forget the venerable art of mud wrestling, but their cold-weather compatriots have formed into the Bikini Hockey League (site is currently down). I found out about this heavenly sport because they're filming a horrible reality show to show off just why they want to punch each other in the rink. So far it appears to be just a handful of hot chicks on rollerblades who got kicked out of their local rollerderby for having too huge boobs. But, this is how things start: if a media campaign showing half-naked women and a badly-done reality show don't get this fascinating sport off the ground, I don't know what will.

More Firefighters!

God damn, since fire departments have started allowing women join their ranks, firefighter calendars have gotten more sexier. Not that they weren't sexy before, but, damn, it's nice to look at fit, strong women, rather than fake-breasted bony babes that show up in car calendars. The Tuscon AZ Firefighter Association calendar for 2013 is available, in various forms, and ready for you to order. Show some support for a group that does some very hard work, and enjoy some T&A. A perfect combination!



Using hunky, hunky men to raise money has reached my home state: the St Paul fire department is using all the social media they can handle to put together and sell a calendar depicting their sexy firefighters, both male and female. While I appreciate the rippling muscles of the firemen, they do have some fine firewomen as well. Vote for your favorites on Facebook, watch them on YouTube, and eventually their broken website might be back up.


Facts and Chicks!

Ever wish that looking at boobs made you smarter? Here's the place to go: Facts and Chicks will let you look at sexy babes, while learning something for once.

Toes = Fucking!

Em and Lo ask, "why does bare feet equal sexy sex time?" My answer: because showing anything above the knees actually looks like people fucking. Duh.


Change A Lightbulb!

How many sexy Dutch babes does it take to change a lightbulb?, I don't know, the punchline is all in Netherlandish, but I'm not complaining because a hot blonde changes a lightbulb in high heels. How the high heels stayed on the lightbulb, I have no idea. Ha, I knew I could fit a shitty joke in somewhere.

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2012 Pirelli Calendar!

I know everybody's excited, after last year's edition, but there's no time to waste now: the new Pirelli Calendar is coming out! The theme is 'women in nature', and was photographed by Mario Sorrenti, the lucky bastard.

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Boob Notes!

As if I didn't already need a reason to stare at huge tits in tight t-shirts, some ladies apparently get off on giving an alternate purpose for doing so. PopCrunch has a gallery of numerous breast messages, all involving women who are unable to recognize their proper t-shirt size. Not that I'm complaining, though. I'll take a free hug, but I warn you, I'm a slow reader.


Lingerie Councilwoman League!

Having a career to fall back on is an awesome way to look at life, and Ms Kellie Gillispie has got a political career to fall back on if her high-profile sports career, as a member of the fucking Lingerie Football League doesn't pan out. She has even made a statement about how this won't interfere with her political career, and it's proof of how fucked up the U.S. is that she even needs to make a point of addressing the fact. She plays football in a bikini with bows on it. Is that seriously a big impact? And don't do that 'think of the children' crap, they see plenty of swimsuits throughout their life, and that doesn't include ones in which women play the same sports as men. Having a politician with a good attitude towards these "morality" issues is a good deal; hopefully a progressive mind continues through the rest of her politics.

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Grandad's Sexy Boots!

Following the trend of boot companies looking to feed the hipster market, Dayton Boots are going edgy with their ads. Which is too bad, because the boots are actually nice looking, but without steeltoes and with a pricetag of several hundred, fashion is their goal more than selling workboots. Just look at their testimonial page: Their customers play gigs, ride motorcycles, perform in historical reproductions as a blacksmith, and perform the duties of a "mens stylist". In other words, Dayton's ads should tell you that they used to be a kickass boot company, now they want you to look retro while you're flirting with that chick with the tattoo sleeves.


Essex Boobs!

Because I only watch American television these days, I had no idea there was something called an "Essex". Fuck, it's even got the word 'sex' right there in the title. Modern science has determined that the women of Essex have the biggest boobs in the UK, which, no doubt, has something to do with the Essex girl stereotype. The more I read, the more Essex sounds like the Jersey Shore of England - and, what the hell, it IS the freakin' Jersey Shore thanks to a TV show called The Only Way Is Essex, but with those sexy British accents. Here's an example of one of those Essex girls:

This beats the hell out of a Snooki any day of the week. It's too bad I can't fucking understand anything anybody is saying on the Essex TV show...which isn't too different from Jersey Shore, I guess. The accent makes all the difference: it's just so cute the way they say "berfdahy".

Nude In Dallas!

Strip joint Rick's Cabaret just opened in Dallas, but the local constabulatory hasn't decided if Rick's deserves a liquor license just yet. The strip-club has taken these lemons and made them into limon: Alcohol-free establishments in Texas can go fully-nude - which makes Rick's the most popular place to be in Dallas this weekend. Well, for those without Super Bowl tickets, I guess. I dunno. I'll bet Rick's will have the superbowl on the big screen - AND plenty of naked chicks will be hanging around. My vote is still with Rick's.

Dirndl Dentists!

When a dentist wants you to get comfortable, they turn down the lights, turn on soothing music, and make sure their boobs are popping out. A dentist in Germany - proving Germans are awesome sexy - put all of the sexy, sexy dental hygienists in dirndls. "The sight of cleavages gets patients narcotised and distracted from the pain rather quickly." says the dentist, whose website shows nearly 100% female staffing...except for poor, poor Silvan Eichenseer. I bet his dirndl puckers in all the wrong places.

No Ashley Madison Superbowl!

Ashley Madison, the 'duh' in 'online daters are often married', can't air their commercial during the Superbowl. How come? Too much man-on-bunny sex.

Oh, the humanity! When will all the sexy sex end!?!? Alas, the family-friendly NFL needs to have some standards, so that's why they're having red-carpet coverage and some fucking stupid-ass Obama/O'Reilly interview during the preshow. It's good they're keeping it all about the football, and keeping lesbian kisses out of the commercial breaks. Well, unless it's in a beer commercial.

Munn Crotch!

So, this month has Boobs McGee on the cover - seems like it happens every two or three months - and I come to find out that, horrors!, you can see right through her panties! The blogosphere, of course, was OUTRAGED! because you can see a faint outline of her welcome mat through the sheer fabric. Granted, even the SI Swimsuit Issue is smart enough to know that you put the porny bits inside, but this is Maxim, not rocket surgery.

The fact that Munn's belly button was completely photoshopped out is a sign that whatever you're seeing on the cover is a graphic designer's clone tool wet dream and not any actual Munniness. But - I got my issue about a week before the outrage, and I know if I were looking at the hottest pubes G4 ever unleashed on the world, I'd have noticed. So, I go get my copy:

FUUUUUUUUUUU-Fuck you, Maxim, and the horse you fucked in on. I pay good money for photoshopped sexpots, the least you can do is give me the good edition. The pube edition is even helpfully marked down in price, so if I had known I could get cheap Olivia Munn crotch, I might have left my copy of Maxim at the dentist's waiting room (like I usually do) and bought myself the good version. Now, dammit, it's just too late.

Facebook Tits!

Ever wonder where all the tits are on Facebook? Right here, losers. None of them are your friends, of course; your Facebook profile has the problem of having friended your mom, so now half your friends are her coworkers and if some hottie with a rack were to friend you, you'd be embarrassed to reciprocate. Note that there are no naked tits, which makes this list kinda 'meh', but only has the benefit of allowing you to not look like the skeevy titwatcher at the bar.

Cunt Stink In A Bottle!

The website is pretty clear to say "DON'T PUT THIS SHIT ON YOURSELVES, WOMEN," which makes me a bit queasy to think about a bottled scent imitating a woman's vagina. With it's comfortable "roll-on applicator", where the hell are you supposed to put this slightly yellow *shudder* substance? On your penis? On the cat? Around your tomato plants to keep the rabbits away? Maybe somebody just wanted to get some use out of their witty "" domain, or maybe it's all a ploy to get people to put their vagina-logo wallpaper on their PCs, thereby helping identify douches. The male kind, not the kind designed to counteract this product.

Cougars Down Under!

Air New Zealand, no stranger to confusingly sexy ads, has produced a new ad documenting the habitat and behavior of the cougar. From an advertising standpoint, I have no idea what they're selling, other than to appeal to the humor of young men, but it certainly doesn't appeal to feminists, or gender studies experts, and I'm sure that lame 'gay' joke doesn't appeal to homosexual groups either, but I found it kinda funny, so fuck you all, get over yourselves - there's cheap airline tickets to be had!

Not The First!

You know you're not the first, because she's a slut, right, like your used car! This ad for BMW factory-refurb used vehicles takes a sexy turn, likening a used car to a "used" woman - but take a look at that twist for a second. The idea that she's slept with other men before you is totally not a problem - she's still just as awesome a fuck as a virgin is. She's not 'used' - she's just as good as the first time, guys, so in fact it's a good thing for feminism for this ad to exist. Well, aside from the fact that she looks twelve, and it fetishizes women as sex objects, but you can't win 'em all, right? Eh, yeah, it's fake, but nobody's ever complained that a fake ad gets you too much publicity.

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