Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Irish: Sexy!

That thick Irish accent is the sexiest accent around, beating out even the French. Wait, a french accent was considered sexy at some point? Anyhow, I'd like to add that I can't think of the last time I've seen an unattractive Irelander; all that red hair, pale skin, rowdy disposition, and love of the drink usually add up to a hot time after the bar anyhow; the accent is just a plus.

Curvy Is Better!

In various polls around the world, Science! has proven that heavier people are better lovers than those skinny-ass people that are in magazines. I couldn't agree more; Nothing's better than a curvy lady on the higher end of the BMI, and skinny ladies just look...fragile. And like a teenage boy. Neither of which I want to bring into my bedroom. I try to post pictures of curvier women here, and I must say, if I do post a size 0 woman, it's only because her tits are amazing.

Amish Online Dating!?

Your faith makes you shun modern conveniences, avoiding the helpful modern technology that only encourages sloth and sin - but you haven't found the right person to enjoy it with you. Thank god for Amish-Online-Dating dot Com. Now, simply go online to find other Amish - Amishes? Amishers? - to share your life with; it's easier than trying to get a buggy ride to that other farm ten miles over. And, if it's anything like other dating sites, you might get to experience one of the oldest forms of employment known to man, ideal for the Amish: she might just be a prostitute, pretending to be a sweet, virginal believer.

Bad Sex Excuses!

Fox's "Sex-spert" wants you to know, you shouldn't be making up lame excuses to get out of fucking. Excuses to get out of fucking, what's wrong with you? And, surprisingly, men are likelier to, er, "sexcuse" themselves from intimate contact. Hey, Fox lady, how's this for a "Sexcuse": "my abstinence-only sex ed class has completely terrified of a meaningful sexual experience, but when we're married it'll be fine," or "I try to be a good moral conservative, but constantly supressing my un-Christian-like foot fetish has sexually frustrated me to the point of dysfunction," or "I keep tapping the foot of the guy in the stall next to me, but I keep getting arrested, it's hardly worth it anymore" or...shit, these excuses for not having sex are all over the place if you toss out the "one-woman, one-man, missionary-heavy, after-marriage" assumption - and you better, pervs: the conservative family values of Fox News has no place for your sexual enjoyment. HolyTaco has an answer, too: Sexcuse Bingo!

Uncontrollable Boner!

Well, sorta-controllable. The ability for men to control their physical and emotional arousal is a skill of varying strength, kinda like raising one eyebrow or peeing without getting it on the floor. Men who can control laughing at Mitch Hedberg are more able to avoid sporting an uncontrollable woody, while men who can't help laugh at stoners get erections unabated by will. The Incredible Hulk, apparently, should have been drawn with a ten-foot-long penis at all times, but this does explain why Dr. Manhattan was consistently flaccid.

Swede Babes Online!

More than ever, Swedish women are looking online for sex. Since 2003, or over six years, the number of Swedish babes who are online "to visit sex sites has increased nearly six-fold." By my math, that works out to nearly 45 billion Swedish women online today. Finally - now that unbelievably hot Scandinavian blonde with a poor grasp of the English language might actually be a real swede, and not some African scammer trying to get your credit card, or a bot steering you towards paysites. The internet gets better and better every day!

Orgasm: Meh!

Here you go, guys - the act of intercourse is as useful without an orgasm, so you're not done once you've dropped your load - we all know you can get hard again in a few minutes, so put that dick back to good use! That's not the only time, though - touching each other sexually, without grasping for the brass ring, is a subtler, long-term sort of sexual pleasure. So don't get so worked up over darting straight for the goal-line like some racetrack greyhound; a marathon without crossing the finish line is a worthy experience as well.

I Fucked!

The site isn't responding quickly, so I'll describe it: I Just Made Love is a Google-Mapping sort of app, in which you place the locations and positions in which you fucked on a map for everyone to see. I think they underestimated the amount of fucking that's going on, or the amount people are going to fuck around with a naughty web application, but either way it's mildly amusing for the moment. Also: note that the "just made love" is forced by only allowing adding information once every twenty minutes or so, because they know you're not an animal, you stud.

Hook-Up Dos and Don'ts!

Most of you are probably well beyond your awkward college fucking days (if you're beyond that age and still fucking college women, my congratulations), but the overall list is still of good use to anybody having casual sex: Do's and Don'ts of being prepared for surprise coitus. Do: read from the Kama Sutra; Don't: read from Twilight. Eh, maybe that's still too college-studenty. Still, some good advice: having enough condoms on-hand, always a good thing.

Prayer = Slut!

Women who say prayer is a fulfilling experience have more sex than their peers, but don't go sign yourself up for Bible class just yet, guys: they didn't say religious women were sluttier; they're talking about those spiritual hippies that you already knew were tigers in the sack. It's just confirmation of what your dick already knew, so go find yourself a hot spiritual women and commence with the "Oh God!" prayers.

Sex Done Right = Good!

According to a new Australian study, women who enjoy sex lead healthier, happier lives than...well, people who are dissatisfied with sex, are unhappy, or less healthy. The article points out that outside forces are very wide-ranging and could affect the study: whether her well-being was low to begin with, whether their partner wanted to have sex with them, etc., etc., but - put this feather in your hat and smoke it, you abstinence-happy losers - women who get pounded by cock regularly have better lives than those who don't. While there's lots of other reasons for her life to be less healthy or happy, the sex, when done right, definitely makes things better.

Cohabitation: For Sex!

The only reason to move in together before marriage is to have sex, says The American Council For Duh. Wait, what about coed, non-relationship living arrangements? Oh, those aren't boyfriend-girlfriend, they don't count. What about people who move in together and begin having sex right after being married? Oh, that's different, because they're married. Why that's different, I couldn't tell you from the article; you just know. The article declares how, statistically, people dating don't last if they're sleeping together - but they're dating, and I don't understand who expects those to last anyhow. "While it's possible that a couple having sex before marriage will one day make a lifelong commitment, it is statistically more likely they won't," says experts promoting a not-so-new book, which could easily be edited to say, "A couple watching baseball together could possibly marry, but it's statistically more likely they won't." "People who take long strolls on the beach while dating could get married, but most don't." Duh, they're dating, you asshole. Society's pressure on young adults to get married before having sex doesn't sound all that great, either, Doctor Obviouses. While abstaining couples might possibly end up in an abusive relationship because of the pressure to marry, many don't - but that's just the statistics talking, not some fear-mongering because won't somebody please think of the children, you know. Oh, and, yes, the article is for young, pure girls: the only mention of men is to paint them in the villain's costume of how sexual liberation is giving men the freedom to fuck without consequence. They warn these young, untouched flowers of innocence: Cohabiting is growing in America, and young women should not kid themselves. It's all about the sex. Here's news for you: those women absolutely, positively are not kidding themselves in the least: they choose to move in with the guy so he can stick his dick in her, much to her orgasmic rapture. Oh, and maybe have somebody to help with the laundry and rent and take them out to dinner once in a while. Women are completely happy to have minimal-strings-attached sex, but people mistakenly take the lamentations of a dissolved relationship as proof the situation should never exist; blame the fact that you let him fuck you, and then you don't have to accept the complexities of her being a bitch or him being an asshole or neither of you having taken stock of the other person's personality enough to properly judge your compatibility. Sex is simpler to blame. History is full of abstinent suicides over one relationship or another - society's pressure to do it right, or not at all, has been fucking up kids for centuries, not casual sex.

Too Shy To Avoid Herpes!

Speak up, disease-ridden losers! Shy people have unprotected sex because they're too shy to demand a condom when in the heat of the moment. A survey showed 90% of people know a condom does a pretty good job of protecting against disease, but they can't muster the effort to wrap the cock when the time comes. Don't worry, wimps, there's something you can do about it: "A few minutes spent practising a role play conversation with a mirror" could solve the problem, says experts. So, now you know what to do every morning when brushing your teeth: spend a few minutes convincing yourself that you'll only fuck you if you've got a condom on.

Women Pickup Artists!

Can women be a pick-up artist? asks Nerve magazine, who ignores the fact that guys who call themselves a "pick-up artist" are more than likely already meeting the female version of the pick-up artist when they do their 'close', or whatever the hell they call it when a woman responds to their asshollery. Asylum responds, pointing out why Nerve's loser failed, which is a reflection on the pick-up artist lifestyle to begin with: According to some pick-up artists, a good way to engage a woman in conversation is to sound like you're insane. True dat.

Sex Degrees!

The old story about how you're fucking everyone your current sex partner has fucked has been going around for quite a while, eventually making casual sex a nonexistent myth, but leave it to the Brits to actually figure out how many that is. Fuck, all it proves is that I'm lame. When you're done it tells you on average how many sex partners people your age have had, and my number is less than freakin' half. I suppose it's worked into their math somehow, but my primary sex partner for like a decade is an ex-prostitute, so I think my number should be a lot higher; they ask the ages of your partners, but they don't check if she's a whore, and I'll bet that skews things quite a bit. Never forget to count on whores.

Widowers: Sluts!

Elderly men who have lost their wives are more likely to have an STD than their still-married counterparts. This, my friends, is because those widowers start fucking new people. This gives me some hope - no, not that I'll outlive my spouse, but that slutty chicks will still fuck old guys when I'm that age. When grandpa's getting so much ass that he's on antibiotics for gonorrhea, you should be worshipping the fucking ground he walks on.

Men Think During Sex!

Marie Claire has figured it out: they know what men think about during sex. Everything from her orgasm, to his orgasm, to the room around you, to wombats, everything is open to analysis while his dick is pounding her cunt. Shit - everything he thinks about during sex is what he thinks about the rest of the day, too! I spend all day telling myself, "Don't Ejaculate, but STAY HARD!" anyway.

Alcohol = Risky Sex!

Speaking of hot chicks and champagne, a lot of people put a lot of work into figuring out that people have riskier sex when alcohol is involved. Of course, the biggest risks are pregnancy and disease, but the big point the article uses as a measure of risky sex is whether or not alcohol made you fuck somebody unattractive. My take: it's far easier to blame alcohol than accept that you're running out of options at the end of the night. Also, note the percentages: pregnancy was 13%, disease was only 7%...and I kinda like those odds. I just need to plan on fucking some less-than-attractive ladies more than before. Bring on the whiskey cokes!

Relationships And Porn!

Dan Savage, who's usually just rude to people who deserve it, has an awesome letter this week about a woman who's boyfriend looks at porn, and she's torn emotionally about it. His porn solution for average people is at once obvious, but also escapes most people: he pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his. This works because if the porn affects the relationship at all, the porn-looker is really the one at fault. I enjoy watching motorcycle races on TV, but that doesn't stop me from giving Gracie a ride on my bike from time to time: the awesome world we live in means that everyone - everyone - can take in pornography and have sex with a person they love, and that's the reason we live in the greatest age of humanity that God has ever seen. Anyhow, Savage also points out that the lady doth protest too much, and that she should go along with being turned on; stop complaining when you've uncovered something that improves sex. No wonder Savage gets a stick up his ass when people ask him stupid questions.

Nagging Kills Boners!

If there's one thing China knows, it's what women are doing wrong: nagging your husband will discourage sexual intercourse. The study by "Chinese University" says 81 percent of women who were regularly negative towards their husband had not had sex in the past year, and overall a third hadn't slept with their husband. In the past year. That's a long time; guys reported only five percent sexless for a year, so apparently 25% of women had sex with their husbands but didn't know it. Certainly, all sorts of other possibilities are listed in the article - and women have their own batch of excuses - but those reasons men gave for avoiding sex are all lies - China is certain their country's male sexual dysfunction is not from overwork, poverty, joblessness, disease, or stress, but simply because their wives are too critical. It was so obvious!

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