Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Allergies Ruin Sex!

"If you can't breathe, and your nose is running, and your eyes are itchy, and you're sneezing, and you feel awful and you feel tired, you don't feel very sexy," says doctors, but I'm absolutely, positively sure there's a fetishist out there who finds you sexy, Ms. Allergy Sufferer. The rest of us, however, find that allergies get in the way of sex. Nothing like a runny nose dripping on you during sex to end the mood, eh, ladies? Don't hope antihistamines help, either: they either make you sleepy or wired, neither of which are conducive to sex. Best just wait until the snowfall - you can wait that long for sex, right?

Men: Myths!

Ah, Fox's Sexspert, The way you nibble on your glasses, I - wait, what? Oh, right: eight myths about men! Turns out, we're not all lecherous, sex-obsessed, porn-living erotic monsters you thought we were. The problem is: there's a handful of those guys, and they're always the first men you ladies will meet, tainting your view of us. Heh, "taint". Anyhow, I take offense to FoxSexpert's assertion that we're not the lotharios you think we are: fuck, bitch, we've been trying to build that image for thousands of years, and now you smash it like a beer bottle on my head, which men totally do to each other all the time, because we're so tough. Now how else are we going to tell which ones of us are better at sex than the others? Being gross about sex is totally an even playing field for us to work with.

Size Does Matter!

A new study has - wait, what? - proven that bigger penises are more effective. Well, sorta: only regarding vaginal orgasms (wait, Freud was right?) and it's only a third of women responded as such (which could be just the myth leading the results). Probably the most important part of the article: sex ed is crucial for women to enjoy sex. Hooray, sex ed!

Retire Sex Acts!

Playboy would like you to know that you need to stop doing all that crap they show in R-rated movies to indicate sex. 10 Sex Acts To Retire pretty much throws out all the kink that vanilla sex can get away with, from spanking to handjobs. Handjobs? People still give those? I want one. Anyhow, they're really toeing the line to suggest that threesomes be retired: there's so many people that want it, but haven't gotten to have one, that there's no chance of it retiring soon, not until everybody who's dreamed of a threesome gets one. Can they just grandfather all those people in? That would be awesome, Playboy, you rock. (via)

OKCupid Sexy Words!

Wish you knew exactly what to say to find a sex partner on OKCupid? I never have tried, but judging from the site's purpose, "yes, please" should be enough, but the number-crunchers say they've figured out even more successful language. "Piercings awesome zombie tattoos haha sorry" is the kind of sentence that soaks her panties clear through, while leetspeak turns them off. Oh, sluts: why do you make language so complicated?

Why Women Have Sex!

Hey, guys, wanna know why women have sex? Just because. From boredom to laziness to sympathy to...well, I suppose "enjoyment" is somewhere in there, but it's far from the only reason. Don't take it too hard, guys: you're still better off pretending that the reason she's fucking you is because you're God's gift to women, just make sure to take out the trash later.

Best Fucking College!

Planning on getting a degree, but want to find a place where you won't have to give up your taste for casual sex? Look no further than this list, which identifies the best and worst schools to get laid at. Conditions have to do with male-female ratios and moral leanings, U.S.. All that hot weather must do something to people's brains.

Women: Sluts!

Two-fifths of women admit to cheating, according to a new study, compared to only a third of men. The study was conducted in the interest of science: promoting the opera, and as such can be deemed totally factual. They also seem to consider "cheating" a wide swath of inappropriate behavior, including kissing some guy at the club and unconscious flirting. The interesting part: ten percent of women aren't interested in monogamy, which means, guys, your chances for an open relationship are higher than you thought, meaning the likelihood of having neither your wife nor a stranger available for sex is much better than you thought!

Don't Have Orgasms!

Here's the key to a long-term relationship: stop the guy from having orgasms. The more orgasms he has with you, the more bored he gets, at least according to the HuffPo. So, blueballs are the path to happiness? Fuck that, I disagree: the same orgasm is the problem. People who have their orgasms differently all the time have less of a problem with bordeom, and I know that from first-hand experience.

Have An Orgasm!

Guys don't necessarily have this problem, but they could definitely learn something: how a woman can have an orgasm. Just in case you hadn't read it in Cosmo this month. Or at The Frisky last week. Or in Glamour Magazine in 1989. Or in that feministy book your Mom lent you back in the 9th grade but wouldn't admit it when Dad asked where it came from. Orgasms are important, god damn it, it can be told and retold forever without being a bad thing.

How To Get Laid!

Dear God, he's on to something: how men who just want to sleep around get to sleep around. Answer: honesty. Guys who act like they want a girlfriend end up with a girlfriend and crossed communication lines. Guys who are clear that they want a fuck and nothing more quickly and efficiently find women with the same hobbies. Blows your fucking mind, don't it?

Explained: Stupid GF Comments!

You know when you're having sex, and your partner says something so fucking stupid and cliched that you roll your eyes, which makes her mad instead of whatever she was thinking when she said the stupid thing? Coed has a translation schedule, so you can avoid the eyeroll and annoyed naked woman experience. The only problem is: understanding what she's saying will only encourage them to continue stupid crap, like '-shizzle' speak, Cockey rhyming slang, or "Mountain Dew" spelled "MtnDew". Keep eye-rolling, guys, but when she starts to show annoyance, say, "no, I know what you meant, I just think it's a stupid thing to say." Honesty works, guys!

Snuggie Sutra!

Finally, wearing a robe backwards is good for something other than a court appearance! The Snuggie Sutra (alternate title by me: The Joy of Slanket) uses simple stick figures to show just how fucking in a Snuggie can be far, far more complicated than it needs to be. It's clearly tongue-in-cheek, so don't get any ideas: all we fucking need is for somebody to injure themselves, and they'll start issuing warnings that Snuggies are to be worn by only one person at a time, which has to be the stupidest sentence ever in the english language. (Via)

Who To Fuck At Reunion!

I might have to change that title: I mean school reunion, not family reunion, you sick fuck. After yesterday's Whip it Out Comedy list, I found another one for them, so if I keep digging, I might find that family reunion one eventually. This list: who to fuck at your high school reunion! It's so easy! I'm totally sure your ex girlfriend will have totally forgotten how mean you were, and be ready to fuck you again after all these years, because you're hotter than ever before. The most likely ones: your own spouse (unless she catches you flirting with your exes), and That Girl Who Found You On Facebook. Quick quiz: which one will require you to have a couple hundred bucks in cash on you? I like the "Reunion Organizer" one, if only because she was probably the unattainable, attractive, rich girl who was so totally out of your league, and now you might actually have a chance, Mr. No-More-Braces and Haven't-Touched-A-Clarinet-In-Years. Don't forget: you haven't seen these people in ten years, won't ever have to see them again, so burn some bridges: nothing's better than bridge-burning sex.

Best Places to Get Laid!

Fire up your time machine, Mr. Peabody: time to go get laid! Whip it out Comedy has done extensive research, and determined the 10 best places to get laid of all time, including Ancient Rome, Plato's Retreat, Woodstock, and your mom's bedroom. They didn't do that last one, but judging from the quality of their humor, it would have been if they couldn't come up with more than 9 smart answers.

Oral Sex How-To!

Men's Health has expanded a bit, providing some sexual relief to the women intimate with their Healthy Men's. Oral Sex is Licked!, they declare, offering a handful of alternate positions, some of which I hadn't really thought of before. My first thought: damn, the upper body strength needed for some of those is pretty high; I should subscribe to Men's Health and learn how to bulk up a little. Nobody was ever hurt by some mad cunnilingus skillz, though. Except for that guy with the broken neck due to the hovering butterfly.

24 Sex Kinds!

Ever felt the need to qualify your sexual encounters with a brief title and generic synopsis? The Frisky has the list of 24 kinds of sex for you! Make-up sex, break-up sex, a nooner, a "you bought me dinner, so I put out" - wait, what? The Frisky is advocating fucking a guy because he spent a lot on dinner? And sex while crying? And drunken sex where "'re way sedated and can't get off, so you just pass out." I'm all for owning the bad sex, the pity and reckless sex, but now that expensive-date-sex and she's-passed-out sex are on the list, being an asshole just got you more laid then ever before, gentlemen!

Stop Faking Orgasms!

You're not helping, ladies: faking orgasms doesn't actually do any good. Pretending is only going to make it a habit, and then actually having orgasms will be difficult. Guys will like the last piece of advice for women to be honest about their sexual interest: if fucking doesn't sound like fun, offer to get him off. A handjob every time she doesn't feel frisky sounds like a win-win to me! Just be prepared, guys, that when she's ready to actually have an orgasm, you had better to a really fucking good job of it.

Laundry = Blowjob!

Fox's Sexpert, always providing good advice in the style of any blogger who can't think of anything to write, advises men to get off their lazy asses and do some laundry if they expect to get laid. Her main reason is probably the most honest and truthful, but sounds mean if actually said to a guy: "if you'd help out around here, I'd be less pissed at you and less tired, and I might actually feel like letting you tit-fuck me for a while." The suggestions get better, though, tying in actual sexual foreplay with the chores - something that might sound good for porn, but when put into practice really don't work all that well, like the washing machine: "Lovers can let the washer be their guide, making their actions in sync with the washer's rhythm, getting faster and faster with its motions. Things only get wilder as the spin cycle kicks into high gear." Erotica writers might think it sounds hot, but struggling to line up for a half hour, much of that time spent with the washer sitting still, filling with water, doesn't actually work. And, really, when sex is a possibility, are any chores going to actually get finished? Do the chores today, go to bed early, then tomorrow fuck your brains out.

Sex Addict Advice!

Nerve has a Q&A with Sex Addicts. Not, "how do I come to terms with my addiction?" or "what is the best way to control an oft-misunderstood psychiatric disability that affects my family and friends?" No, Nerve's Q&A with sex addicts addresses the questions everybody wants to know: how does an average joe like me learn to have a sex-addict's lifestyle? Some of the discussion is kinda creepy ("Dear heroin addict: how do you use your taste for heroin to hang out in cool clubs? Answer: *begins gagging on own tongue and twitching violently*"), but much of it is the average "how do I find a one-night stand?" answers. Only, with the added benefit of knowing that the people you meet up with could easily those sex addicts giving you the advice. Everybody...wins?

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