Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Harvard Kink Club!

Harvard, the place conservatives say creates antichrists, is doing one better for the student body: the school has approved a kink club, which gives the club the same rights as any on-campus organization, such as the ability to organize pep rallies and have a float in the homecoming parade. I don't know, I didn't go to a big fancy college like Harvard. Anyways, they admit that BDSM is a big component, but any sort of kink is welcome, so expect two semesters before the whole place is full of Bronies. It's bound to happen. But good for you, Harvard, for admitting that the adults inside your hallowed ivory tower like fucking in all sorts of crazy ways. Kudos to you.

Mormon Missionary Positions!

I know I've been down on Cosmopolitan's poor sex position techniques in the past, so I suppose I better go to a more institutional source. While I can't completely support the Mormon Church - who designed their magic underwear anyway? So unsexy - I can totally get behind a couple of Mormon missionaries dryhumping each other. It has to be about as successful as regular Mormon sex, I'll bet.

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Penis Size Matters!

WOOHOO! Yet more proof my crotch is more powerful than most men's. A new study shows that big cocks are often better in bed than their smaller counterparts. One caveat, though: the big cocks were rated as better by women who - surprise - prefer cocks in general, so while it doesn't mean a huge penis necessarily improves sex, it just means that if your lover wants a cock, it better be a big fucking cock.

Liquor = Unsafe Sex!

Want to fuck somebody in the most reckless and dangerous way? Drink a shitload of alcohol, and you're more likely to have unsafe sex. That sort of thing might turn on a lot of people, like most of Dublin's teenagers, but for the rest of us, ladies, we'll happily fuck you without either of us having to get really drunk. We both might enjoy it a bit more, too.

Sex Is No Accident!

My first reaction to this comic is, pfsh, that's happened to me like a zillion times. But, then I thought about it: no, never with a food cart; no, I think the toilet was pointed the wrong direction; no, I don't think I've ever accidentally fucked anyplace where they had those glass guard-rails. No, they're right: I better wear condoms instead. This is from some German ad agency, info here.


The Opposite Sex Wants!

The most reliable source in the universe, Twitter, has come up with a meme to make everybody the greatest lover ever known to man: #thingsboyswantgirlstodo and #thingsgirlswantboystodo. It would seem that the only people available to write these tweets are the people who write sitcom spec scripts. All the 'girls want boys' posts are about spooning and love and shopping - with the obvious exception of requesting more oral sex, which figures prominently. The 'guys want girls' tweets are about more lingerie, not shopping, not being so fucking lovey-duvey, and, - of course - perform more oral sex. So, the takeaway here is that everybody wants more oral sex. Thanks, Twitter!

Underrated Sex Acts!

I haven't got a fucking thing to add to this list, because this is pretty much the basic how-to for good sex. Hit half of these every time you're getting laid, and disappointment will be far, far away. Most of the time. I love a good titfuck once in a while, so there's always candy letters to still stick in the frosting of the sex cake, or something like that, I don't know, I forgot what I was typing when I got to the titfuck part.

Wild Sex Makes Babies!

Want to get pregnant? Have wild sex. The studies show that, if you're really enjoying sex, you're more likely to get pregnant. This further proves that God is an asshole. So, everybody, if you want to avoid pregnancy, have more mediocre sex. It's not just sperm counts, though: sexually stimulating the female helps her get pregnant too, because "Danish researchers found that sows who are sexually stimulated by humans during artificial insemination had a 6% increase in fertility." Calling Danish women 'sows' seems kind of rude, there, Dutch researchers.

Must Fuck!

On Valentine's Day, women lamented having to fuck their men. Now, having to fuck somebody just because it's written on the calendar is fucking stupid, but if you're not having sex often enough that that 'special day' is the only time you're doing it - a birthday fuck is the least of your troubles. Seriously, nobody has ever cried because nobody fucked them on their birthday; they felt bad because they don't get to fuck any day, either. Last year, I was given a titfuck for my birthday; one of my favorite things, but I had hurt my back earlier that week, and we couldn't find the Astroglide, so it was not the most ideal experience. Next time, obligated sex will be negotiated first. If one person isn't feeling it, postponment is more than allowable. Don't get hung up on the calendar.

Temporary Lesbian Data!

Sadly, gentlemen, women aren't temporary lesbians during college, at least not as much as weak jokes in teen comedies would like you to believe. The report is from the CDC, which is full of a bunch of other tidbits. For example, 13% of women have had same-sex encounters, and women who had higher numbers of sex partners reported higher - 20%! - instances of lesbian encounters. It appears that college isn't at fault for the stereotype. Rather, it's the slutty, slutty women attending college. Glad I could sort that out for you, and the report is full of fun statistics, so go have a read.

Portland: Full of Whores!

Portland is full of hippies and hipsters, of course, so it should be no surprise that The Portland Mercury has discovered that local people fuck like tripping bunnies. But, we all know that the people who respond to altweekly sex surveys just want to show off, those fucking showoffs. Those who most love showing off: married women. They couldn't stop talking about how much cocksucking they do. Unfortunately, 80% of Portland's married men are now wondering, since it's not them, whose dicks are getting sucked. So much marital strife due to a cute sex survey - I hope you're happy now, Portland Mercury.

Sexy Things That Aren't Sexy!

Abby Spector at Em and Lo have a list of things that are supposed to be sexy that aren't really sexy. Unlike most sex-site lists, I can say that I pretty much agree with everything. High heels are kinda sexy, but lack of them is not unsexy. Virginity? How fun can it be to be with somebody who doesn't know anything? However: older men being unsexy? That totally crushes my chances for fucking a twenty-something any time soon. Back to trolling the bingo halls, I guess. The only one I don't understand whatsoever: bleached assholes. I have led a sheltered life, because I have no idea what this is or how it is done, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Male Orgasm!

I've been asked this more than once, and YourTango thinks they have the answer: What does a male orgasm feel like? I think they've got it mostly right, although the words they use are a bit much. Mine start out kinda like "uhhhmmmmm" and then go towards "huhhuhhuhhuh", and finally end up with "WUGGGGNNNNNMMMM!". If too many of those steps get skipped, it's just "uhhMMMNoh, sorry..."

Name Gets You Laid!

Gentlemen, add an 's' to your first name, because men with a hissy name fuck more often. Men named Edward - yes, the Twilight name - hardly ever get laid, and it's probably for obvious reasons that most "Edward"s go by "Ed" or "Eddie". I'm in the top ten, thank you very much. Women aren't immune, either: if you're planning on finding somebody to grind with, make sure her name ends with an "a" sound.

Sexting How-To!

Just in case you had no idea how to flirt via celphone, Fox News wants to make sure you know how to do it right. As with most mainstream-media's attention to sex, about all they broadcast are the most shocking and unrealistic aspects of this huge social 'problem'. 'IAYM' - I am your master? Who the fuck 'sexts' that? 'NALOPKT' - Not a lot of people know that? Is that really that common of a sexting sentiment that it needs a long and cumbersome abbreviation? It sounds like a IIRC and IMHO companion, and not sexy. Anyone who's had flirted or had sex in chat - which is what, essentially, sexting is - would know that the kind of phrases that evolve into abbreviations would be things like "ILYN" (I lick your nipples), "SYC" (Sucking your cock), "OYDIN" (Oh yeah, do it now). I just made those up, but Fox News is welcome to quote them next time they want to sound 'in the know'. When you get to the end of the article, though, the last three or four tips on sexting safety are pretty good, although #2 is only setting you up for laughter. "Excuse me, but would it be OK if I sent you a sexually-oriented text message later, using a variety of unsexy acronyms that I learned from Fox News?" No, lady, that ain't gonna fly.

How To Remove A Bra!

Coed magazine wants to make sure every gentleman knows one very important thing: how to properly remove a young woman's bra with grace and style. And, just for no good reason other than to add a nice ass to the mix, they included pictures of a woman removing her own bra - can't argue with that:

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Unsexy America!

Newsweek has put together an informative graphic of just where the US sits when it comes to sex. Or, rather, it's a chart of "Fuck, I Need To Move To Brazil." Let's not put the cart before the horse, here though: blaming pornography has been quite a cottage industry lately, but Newsweek's mention of the amount of sex in our media as being indicative of US sexuality is kinda suspect: the problem isn't that it's there, but that it embodies our problems with sex in general. Girls Gone Wild and Jersey Shore are slumming it: they get to show more sex because they're so unlikeable. We get to parake in the sexual enjoyment, but feel satisfied that it's so unpalatable. It's like religious sex scandals, horror movies where the sexually promiscuous get killed first, and the raw unpleasantness of Hustler pictorals. We get to enjoy thinking about sex, and then feel vindicated by tut-tutting the horribleness of it. The moral hangups of the US are demonstrated by our porn, not caused by it.

Ways To Suck At Sex!

The H Spot would like you to know that there's 14 things that Real Men never fuck up during sex. The list is actually pretty darn good, but I'd like to add a few things that men do to fuck up sex: 1) Answering, or even looking at, your cellphone at any point when you should be paying attention to your date. 2) talking about previous girlfriend's sexual preferences. 3) being too drunk to be of any use. 4) being creepily weird or psycho about the fact that a woman might actually want to have sex with you. Now, men, you might just stop fucking up your sex life for once. You're welcome.

Men: Do This!

The Frisky wants men to know that there's only 23 things you need to do to get a hot chick. First of all: Men, you are doomed to fail. If you wonder why women have unrealistic expectations for their partners, this is it, right here. "The imagination to surprise me" and "You gotta know how to make a woman feel like your sexy ideal" and "The sexual confidence to make the first move" are the kind of mind-reading shit that women don't realize is a hairs-breath away from being really creepy. No, she doesn't actually want to be treated like a sexual ideal that's ready for the first move and prepared to be surprised. This is Sixteen-magazine bullshit where they want a man who appears this way, but behaves chastely and respectfully. This is the kind of shit women wish for, but cut things off after date #2 because the guy's too much of an asshole, and lists the things he did to fulfill the Frisky list as cues for his crappiness.

Now, if the list cut out the mind-reading fantasy bullshit, it's not too bad. Primarily, it filters out the lazy jerkwads who are interested in being served by their partners. If a guy can't cook, doesn't own real furniture, or can't dress himself, that's a clue, ladies, that he's looking for a mom and a toy. Keep away from the fantasy shit, though (seriously, what dude has the money for a nice suit?) and the list is pretty good. The fact that they end it with the Old Spice ideal of the ideal man - he's on a horse! - proves that there's a higher bar here than humanly possible. Seriously, that dude was just on a boat, and now he's on a horse; that can't really happen.

Tears: Turnoff!

Turn off the fucking waterworks, ladies: SCIENCE! says that crying is a turnoff. And not just the act of crying: tears themselves are unattractive to men. Gracie mused on whether tears of joy would be different -- FUCK NO, tears at all mess up men's hormones. Note that the study found "six really good criers", who are, no doubt, the least sexually attractive women in the world. Who cares how good they look or how big their tits are. They smell like crying all the god damn time.

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